Tiktok made twitter look like a science club.
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I’d like to meet those almond milk farmers. Shake their teeny hands.
I just made the PERFECT phone call!
My parents didn’t answer.
I’m so stoned…….. It took me three tries to turn out the bathroom light.
Turns out the toilet flush handle does not control the lights.
I was killing this rap battle until I said orange.
My dream job is getting paid to dream
me: ahh vacation
brain: time to relax
me: no work
brain: well it’s still there
me: stop
brain: just… waiting
me: please
brain: g r o w i n g
me: no
“Stop texting me. If I wanted to go on the second date, I wouldn’t have stolen all your jewelry.”
Pro-Tip: If you’re going to use chlorophorm on someone make sure you don’t inhale it yourself.
Only 350 more followers until I casually mention the benefits of Amway.
There’s no way the Ninja Turtles would have those ripped abs. You can’t do crunches with a shell attached to your back. Trust me I’ve tried.
*hears Siren’s song*
*eyes glaze*
*walks in a trance ten miles*
*breaks window to donut shop*I’m here, Mistress.
*eats everything*
*dies*
Me: That’s pretty sus
12yo: Never say that again
Me: Why?
12yo: It sounded weird when you said it
Me:
12yo:
Me: Your rules are sus
Good morning people…..I woke up feeling myself this morning….wait that doesn’t sound right. What I meant is I woke up feeling confidant
My cats woke me up at 3am fighting so while they’re trying to sleep it off I think I’ll spend the whole day vacuuming
Colleague: any children?
Me: we’ve got 2 amazing kids
Wife: We’ve got 3 kids
Me: I stand by what I said
Me in my 20s: [faking it till I make it]
Me in my 30s: [still faking it till I make it]
Me on my deathbed: ANY day now
Lust is not real love and Domino’s is not real pizza but both are fine when you’re drunk.
The reviews for Cats are in (17% on rotten tomatoes), and they are spectacular.
I really like the word aesthetic, it’s so pleasant on the eye. I wonder if there’s a word to describe that.
We all have that special someone in our lives that we wish would get run over by a truck.
Cortana, where is the closest Taco Bell?
There’s a Weight Watchers meeting 1 mile away from you.
*Note to self: Never call Siri Cortana*
Getting pretty tired of Vin Diesel hopping into the passenger seat yelling “PUNCH IT” when I am just trying to eat my lunch alone in my car
Sometimes I wonder if the ghost in my house thinks he’s being haunted by some angry, naked, drunk guy.
Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye is like Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye.
me: SHARK
lifeguard: omg where
me: lol sorry, that’s my dog’s name
*dog appears and drags lifeguard into the ocean*
me: it’s- *over screams* IT’S BECAUSE HE EATS PEOPLE
What are you gonna argue about with your family this Thanksgiving?
1. Minimum wage
2. Police reform
3. Why are there raisins in this, Louise
Never once has a guy said, “She’s cute but I wish her eyelashes would be so big they’d weigh down her eyelids”
you know when you see people you were friends with as a teen and you’re like “wow they got really old” and then you’re like oh no
Female giraffes on dating apps be like “Must be at least 20 feet”
One day we’re gonna discover that Squarespace has been committing countless mysterious murders, solely to fuel the Murder Podcast Industry, their no.1 source of advertisement