Walmart was so crowded today that they had 2 cashiers working.
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I hate when scientists are like “some insects can see colors we can’t.” Like ok? What colors? Quickly.
Kids: Always remember to brush your drugs and don’t do teeth.
1. Don’t write a journal.
2. Don’t smile in your mugshot.-mental notes I take watching crime tv.
Customer: “I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese.”
Me: “Sorry, we only take cash or credit card.”
Manager:“I need to see you in my office.
The good news: work is picking up
The bad news: work is picking up
The Count of Monte Cristo remains popular because it speaks to that universal human desire to flex on everyone you went to school with
My 7yr old was legit mad at me because I wouldn’t let her practice giving me a Covid test with Q-tips. The meltdown was torture but I feel like I made the right choice.
My son just asked me if I could take a picture of him while he sleeps so he could see the little z’s that come out of your nose when you sleep.
Stop cleaning your house for me so I can stop cleaning mine for you
Ben-Hur was actually called, Fast & The Furious: Jerusalem Drift, but the name didn’t catch on like they had hoped
Her: draw me like one of your French girls
Me, seductively: *puts her hand onto paper* this will be the perfect hand turkey
If I yell loud enough I can turn this whole game around.
– dads at kids’ basketball games
Superman: Only one cookie left.
Batman: Rock, paper, scissors for it?
Superman: 1, 2, 3, GO!
Batman: *pulls out Kryptonite and eats cookie*
Following Prince Phillip’s passing, Prince Charles inherits the title Duke Of Edinburgh. Basically, it all shifts up one. For instance, I’m now my next door neighbour, Pauline Cathcart.
i was just violently air drumming with the blinds open and i looked outside and my amazon delivery driver was playing air guitar
Wife: Who is it?
Me [hand over phone]: The police, they say it’s now illegal to fake throw a ball
Dog in other room: [hangs up his phone]
Been feeling a little moody and run down lately, so I googled my symptoms to see what I might have.
It’s kids. I have kids.
When I die I want to be dressed like a scuba diver and placed on top of Mount Everest to confuse the climbers
Just realized the laundry detergent has been in the refrigerator for 3 days, in case you’re looking for a business manager.
*sitting in the dark at the kitchen table waiting for my wife*
Hello Karen. Maybe you’d like to tell me who used all my essential oils
“WHAT IS IT? WHAT IS GOING ON? IS THAT RAIN? OH GOD I WISH I HAD EYES” – Worms
Why are they called ‘school gym clothes’ and not ‘class action suits’?
Fight Club, but instead of blowing up all the financial institutions, they reset all twitter follower counts back to zero.
The deadliest weapon is the mind. Unless you got a sword or something. Or a gun. If you have a gun, that’s definitely the best choice.
[I open my lunchbox to find pair of wife’s underwear]
But that means…
[Cut to my wife opening her lunchbox to find a pair of my underwear]
He died doing what he loved: meeting people on Craigslist to buy furniture.
Ever notice how like 97% of people just make up statistics on here?
I’ve always admired a man in a uniform who is soft, sweet and tender. I guess my perfect match is the Stay Puft Marshmellow man.
Ice cream employee: I didn’t know you had kids! You always come in by yourself.
Kids: WHAT?! MOM!It’s like she didn’t want a tip.
If you ever see me cleaning out my car in the middle of winter, it’s because I have drugs missing.