the #horror is real!
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I hope there’s a special place in hell for the guy who, right as the Zoom meeting leader was wrapping up, self-indulgently pontificated for five minutes and extended the meeting thus forcing me to involuntarily test the microphone “mute” feature with an epic string of expletives.
spent the day in the woods trying to distract the deer hunters. shocked at the things I’d do just to save a few bucks
😏😏😏
I just poured a bowl of cereal and we’re out of milk. Cooking is hard.
*Jan 1, 9 AM PST*
5: Can we play music in our room?
Me: Sure!
5: Any music?
Me: Whatever you want!
5: ALEXA! PLAY ROCKIN AROUND THE CHRISTMAS TREE!
Me: Nooooooooooooo
my parents often told me I would lose my own head if it wasn’t screwed on and now that I’m an adult I want to know what tools I need to have it screwed off
I couldn’t help but notice how you have pistachios that you’d probably like to share.
If there’s a kid acting like an adult in your ad I will not buy your product and I’ll buy your competitor’s product even if I don’t need it.
Man, those guys in the Cialis commercial sure are charmed by their wives’ approximations of human behavior
BARTENDER: the usual?
ME: *nods*
*bartender hands me a shot glass full of chocolate chips*
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
The struggle is real.
Working from home has been a good way to find out which of my neighbors have loud lawnmowers and barking dogs. All of them. The answer is all of them.
Interviewer: says here you have been roofing your entire life
Dog: that is correct
cop: can you describe the suspect
witness: he was no more than 6 feet
cop: [crossing out spiders] thank god
When I tell my kids I’ll do something in a minute, what I’m really saying is, “Please forget.”
why would tinder want me to say this
my ears are currently carrying sunglasses, headphones, and a face mask. ears are a purse
Shuffling into the kitchen in a robe Sunday morning to change the clock on the microwave is the lamest form of time travel ever.
RIP fred flintstone he would’ve loved treadmills.
the Itsy Bitsy Spider is my favourite kids song about absolutely refusing to learn your lesson
After I dislodged my head from the drywall, I had 2 thoughts:
1) Wow, this new Metallica song is really good and
2) I may need new drywall
Client, “I just want to be in the best place possible after this divorce.”
Me, “Well, since you got caught cheating on your wife of 22 yrs, I’m thinking your best place is probably living in your parent’s basement with your 22 yr old girlfriend, Chad.”
“Half a league, half a league, half a league onward,” though obscure has a better ring to it than 2640 yards, 2640 yards, 2640 yards onward.
HER: Impress me.
ME: I own a record label-
HER: Ooooooo
ME: er. A record labelER. It makes labels for my Abba vinyls.
them: can i call you? It’s really difficult to convey in a chat msg
me: try harder.
Instead of asking pregnant friends if they know the baby’s gender, I ask if they know the species, that way I don’t have to worry about being invited to the baby shower
A naked man brushed his teeth next to me as I washed my hands. This is why I don’t go to the gym often.
I’ve GOT to get a life stenographer. It’d be great to say, “Betty, read back last night so I can see why I put a skillet on my nightstand.”