Just realized the laundry detergent has been in the refrigerator for 3 days, in case you’re looking for a business manager.
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I, for one, like it when blackberry seeds get stuck in my teeth at breakfast. Gives me little mouth missions to accomplish throughout the day.
Makes me laugh when a person blows their nose,then look into the tissue to see what came out. Seriously.. what are you expecting to find there?
My husband is suddenly showering everyday, so I assume he’s having an affair
ME: Your lizard keeps biting me.
THEM: That’s a cactus
[chameleon conference]
Boss: Is… everyone here?
*crickets*
Boss: I know Keith is. He brought the yummy crickets. Thx
Keith: You’re welcome
A recent study shows that 90% of all adults have a chronic or even fatal disease
The other 10% don’t use Web MD
At the 2015 Edinburgh Fringe a man came up to me after my show one day to say “I really don’t think much of your comedy, please stick to singing” and I’ve basically continued in comedy ever since just to annoy him.
Them: You have a debt to society
Me: Well they can get in line
Airport receptionist: anything to declare?
Me: how bout these guns? *flexes*
Her: OH GOD HE’S GOT GUNS!
Me: wait.. I was..
Her: HELP!! AGH!
There are a few certainties in this life: death, taxes and when a Canadian tells you it’s cold out, it’s cold out.
Legend has it that if you don’t look a coworker in the eye they won’t stop to tell you about their weekend.
ME: I played Wordle today
SON: great
ME: Do you know what Wordle is?
SON: no
ME: It’s like Mastermind but instead instead of colors it’s letters
SON: great
ME: Do you know what Mastermind is?
SON: no
Once married the woman takes over the entire closet and the man stores everything he owns in his left cargo pocket
[gently waking my mom] I cut my hair like He-Man’s
[therapy]
HIM: Should we talk about the elephant in the room?
ME: I don’t like to talk about him
ELEPHANT: Ok wow I’m like right here man
I took someone else’s coffee at Starbucks. I’m Tiffany now
It’s happened
I used painters tape to section the family room so each kid stays in their play square…anyone who moves into someone else’s square gets sent to their room
Because apparently using the tape ON the kids is frowned upon 🤷🏻♀️
Truth. 😆😭😮💨
My son turns 3 in two weeks and has zero interest in potty training. I’m trying one more time and then it’ll be his future wife’s problem.
Bae: Come over
Me: Do you have food??
Bae: My parents aren’t home
Me: Are they coming back with food??
friendly reminder that someone having a different opinion about a movie than you is a direct attack on you as a person and you should take it very personally
I’m no scientist, but if that ebola virus is communicable, that means WE CAN TALK TO IT.
Im the guy that says “Is he bothering you?” when some douche is hitting on you, just so I can hang around and bother you after he goes away.
Just found out I am the last person on earth who does not own an air fryer. And if you think YOU don’t have an air fryer you do, go look in the kitchen. It’s there right? Yeah, told you.
Friend: What’s it like having a tween daughter?
Me: *pretends I didn’t hear her*
what if I told you big orthopedics is responsible for the crate challenge
Friend: We could to Jurassic Park but there are pros and cons
Me: Like what?
Friend: They have dinosaurs. And you can die
Me: And what are the cons?
ME WATCHING ANY MARVEL MOVIE AFTER ENDGAME:
Wait, so society is expected to just carry on as if this insane collective trauma never happened? That’s ridiculous.ME IN 2022:
Oh.
A young musician left his
priceless Stradivarius violin
on a train in Germany.But it was returned…
no strings attached.Wait…what ?
I’m not buying a coffee table until I finish walking around the furniture store barefoot kicking legs to see which hurts the least.