When I was 15, I decided I was not going to be a grumpy old man when I grew up
I’m 55 now and I’m mad at cucumbers
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if it’s fantasy football i see no reason why i can’t start a dragon at first base
As a little girl I dreamt of being Belle so I could have that beautiful yellow gown- As a grown woman I want to be Belle so I can be locked away in an enchanted castle where the dishes clean themselves.
I gave my wife a tip how she could wash the dishes better.
On a side note, Dawn detergent is really starting to make my hands more soft.
Me: I’m inviting Doug to watch the game
Wife: I thought you were mad at Doug bc he still hasn’t returned our shop vac
Me: I’m over it
[halftime, 2 beers later]
TV: 🎶Like a good neighbor, state farm is there🎶
Me: you know what else a good neighbor does, Doug?
[mall]
Wife: Wait here.
Me: Okay.
Wife: Hold my purse.
Me: Yes, ma’am.*looks in purse*
*waves at testicles*
Me: *sigh* I miss you guys!
Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth
Putting all my mental health eggs in the daily word game basket.
[knocks on neighbor’s door]
HI CAN I COME TO YOUR YELLING PARTY
Driving class: 10 and 2
Real life: 7 and french fries
*As the Titanic sinks*
Bandleader: Next, we’d like to play something off our new album
Guy clinging to railing: BOOOOOOO
Imagine being a Cicada you been waiting 17 years for your one chance to have sex then some weirdo freakazoid fries you in butter and serves you with a side of ranch.
The biggest problem with prison is that you can only rearrange your cell in so many ways because of where the toilet is.
[bean naming]
Angel: okay, this one?
God: it’s black, so black bean
A: and this?
G: lol that looks like a kidney— kidney bean!
A: k, and this one?
G (giggling): GARBANZOOOOOoooooo!!
A: … dude, you alright?
If your new boyfriend carved your initials into a tree on your first date, let the fact he brought a knife be a sign of things to come.
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
I just saw a squirrel dragging a wine bottle bag up a tree.
I think I found my spirit animal.
Him: you know, a baby deliverer…
Me: you mean my OBGYN or the stork?
I gotta ask, what part of ‘I don’t eat sugar’ don’t I understand
I like to say something disgusting which makes someone else say something more disgusting then I call them a pervert.
It was just that one time that autocorrect changed mourning to mounting, but never again would my wife ask me to write the eulogy for one of her elderly relatives.
7yo: Did you drink coffee before we were born?
Me: Yes
7yo: Did you eat pancakes?
Me: Yes
7yo: What didn’t you do?
Me: Talk while peeing.
In retrospect, Mr. Burns gave me an extremely unrealistic view of how funny a rich guy who controlled everything could be
“The truth is out there” yes and that’s why I stay inside
Meeting with a realtor to sell my moms house:
Realtor: What’s best about this area?
Mom: My sisters are close by.
Realtor: I meant, why would someone want to live here?
Mom: It’s better than being homeless.
Realtor:
Mom: And my sisters are really nice.
Before asking for my advice, remember that I’ve been stuck upside down in a tree three times this week
Assert dominance by throwing your poop at a monkey first.
First grade soccer is actually so exciting, like one player just grabbed a couple of sticks and started rubbing them together at midfield to try and start a fire
In the hierarchy of my office, I was Pam for so many years that it’s hard to accept that I am now firmly Phyllis even though she’s obviously the coolest
This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.
A large group of other people’s children is called a “Nope”.