I was washing my car and my neighbor said when I’m done I can wash his car too and we laughed and laughed and then I water boarded him
You Might Also Like
hoping jesus comes back soon, preferably on a monday, so we can get another holiday
Somehow, I must have switched shopping carts while I was at the store. I don’t remember buying any of this stuff.
Or having an Asian baby.
I support Greenpeace because I care about environmental activism, just not enough to do any of the real work myself.
Cleaning a house with children in it is like shoveling snow on the North Pole.
*looks at calendar*
*looks at stomach*
*looks at calendar*
Guess I’m telling people I’m pregnant again this summer.
They didn’t leave much room for new models when they called it the ‘ULTRA-Sound’. “Mr Sutherland, I’ll book you in for a Sonic-Boom”
Did this writing exercise where you write 300 words about a place without using any adjectives. It’s actually pretty easy if you’re not sure what an adjective is.
wife: why is the automatic soap dispenser in the kitch- *hazelnut creamer squirts into her hand*
My son just started telling me about a new Pokémon character. Talk to you guys on Monday.
Tom Cruise has signed on for Mission Impossible V. His impossible mission is trying not to show up on everyone’s gaydar.
Why — WHY — in the year 2021 is there not a button on every TV that pings the remote and makes it play a sound so you can find it??
BATMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by bats
ANTMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by ants
SUPERMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by soup
Updating my resume. Anyone got a more professional word for “dumpster fire?”
🤔🔥📝
If you don’t clean up this room I will empty threat you so hard!
Trying to decide what to burn for dinner so I can order pizza
[after divorce]
I think I still know…
*puts on shark tooth necklace*
…what women want.
Am I the only one who just buys a new printer when the ink is gone? Also, does anyone want to make a sweet printer fort?
People say I’m not very responsible, when in fact I’m responsible for “pajama casual” being added to the employee handbook as inappropriate.
[Dollar Store Interview]
“What are your qualifications?”[Slides over a dollar]
“Cashier job is yours”[Slides $2]
“Welcome to Management”
Rejected Pixar Movie Titles:
House Float
Find My Fish Son
Automobile People
A Rat Cooked This
Ugh, We Gotta Find Another Fish
Kid just asked “why is it called ‘flipping the bird’? Why not turtle? Flipping the Turtle.” I can’t even answer that bc WHY NOT TURTLE?!
The Golden Globe goes to…
Burrito
… for best actor in a microwave, with a convincing performance of taking longer than necessary.
When I turn on the lights all of the dads scatter off of my deck, the fat dads can’t get over the fence
Dont be worried about your smartphone and TV spying on you.
Your vacuum has been gathering dirt on you for years!
[police station]
Cop: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!
Suspect: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!
Cop: *mumbling* am not.
The best misheard song lyric ever is “Hit me with your pet shark”.
I will hear no other opinions on this matter.
280 characters, baby, and you know what that means:
OXFORD COMMAS.
OXFORD COMMAS AS FAR AS THE EYE CAN SEE!
Dad owl: I’m dying so I need you to look after things. I’m going to give you-
Son owl: Don’t say it
Dad: Power of a tawny
Son: [turns head]
Wanting to be funny is a disease. Why am I spending 30 minutes trying to think of a clever wifi name for my neighbors to see?
During labour, nurse came up to me & said, ‘How about Epidural Anesthesia?’ I was like, ‘Thanks, but I already picked a name.