Kid just asked “why is it called ‘flipping the bird’? Why not turtle? Flipping the Turtle.” I can’t even answer that bc WHY NOT TURTLE?!
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wife: WHO LOADED THE DISHWASHER?
[cut to me sitting at a bus station waiting to start my new life]
The way to cure your loneliness is to get on out there! But first, be better looking. And stop being yourself, that’s obviously not working.
I think we all know that one person who seems to make it a daily goal to incorporate every color of the rainbow in their outfit.
If the marriage counselor asks how long since you’ve had sex, she means with your spouse. Learn from my mistakes.
“Hello welcome to meteorologist school. Please stick your head out of the nearest window and pick your diploma up on your way out.”
Boyfriend is mad at me because he said people are silly to spend $300 on tickets to “Shen Yun: 5,000 Years of Civilization Reborn” and I told him that’s a great deal in terms of years of civilization per dollar
Do not worry.
I will take your secrets to my grave.
But, oh, how crowded it will be in the coffin.
Horned lizards can squirt blood out of their eyes when threatened by predators, but my enemies have to be satisfied with my regular tears.
ME: pssstt psssssttt! hey kid! wanna get high?
KID: mom, just throw the treehouse ladder down, and get out.
“We can’t put it off any longer Alan, our daughter needs new shoes”
CENTIPEDE DAD: [staring out the window] This is gonna bankrupt us Susan
Though we appreciate your application for the position, HR has decided to go with a potted plant instead.
I’ve done the math, and 97% of people who “light up a room” get murdered.
Hate it when people tell me “don’t be stupid”. It’s not like I have a choice in the matter.
best lyric of all time is when elton John was like “if I was a sculptor, but then again no” like pls I’m on the edge of my seat .. what were you going to do as a sculptor Elton!?!!!
My favourite school memory?
One time we were talking about different olive oils and the teacher asked what does extra virgin mean and everyone turned to look at me.
its raining men! hallelu..*thud* omg are you ok? *thud* oh sweet jesus! *thud* *thud* oh the horror! *thud* WHY GOD? WHYYYY??
What if life is just a big test to see how well we all treat birds?
“I just happen to love birds!” I yell out the window unconvincingly
This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL
I just wish I had the confidence of my husband who thinks everything only takes 5 minutes.
If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
60% of my childhood was spent showing all my work on math tests.
horses don’t know when they’re acting in a period drama. they just woke up one day and all their friends showed up in stupid outfits.
“It’s the hap, happiest seeason of—” yeah go tell it on the mountain, Denise, I’m gift wrapping a basketball over here
I love to open my windows to let in the beautiful weather and so my neighbors can learn my kids’ middle names.
Now I lay me down to rest.
I pray your TC loves you best.
If he does choose another,
I sincerely hope it’s not your mother.
SHERLOCK: Is that mud on your shoe?
WATSON: No, shit Sherlock.
Donald Duck can walk around Disney pantless and everyone loves him, but when I do it, it’s “indecent”?
Just finished filming my new movie, “Death on the Sidewalk.” I shot it with my car’s back-up camera.
Any 4 pics of Alan Rickman together looks like an amazing 80’s new wave band you wish existed.