best lyric of all time is when elton John was like “if I was a sculptor, but then again no” like pls I’m on the edge of my seat .. what were you going to do as a sculptor Elton!?!!!
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The average person swallows 8 spiders a year, but the top 1% consume 40% of our nation’s spiders. Save some for the rest of us, spider hogs
I can’t wait for my mom to come to my new house so she can tell me how I organized the kitchen wrong.
My wife said she wanted to do it missionary style, so I forced her to change religions and gave her smallpox.
If you ever see a movie where a woman is depressed and she has shaved legs that movie is bullshit.
2015:hey how’s it going so far?
2016:uh good
15:
16:
15:you’ve got an armed mili-
16:we’ve got an armed militia in a wildlife building, yeah
it was very chilly during our walk today. when i tried to hop in a puddle. i slid across it instead. i am not a penguin. i would like a refund
The great thing about having four kids is having four people to watch me bring in the groceries all by myself.
This meeting could have been an email. That email could have been a fistfight in the alley
You: Cute kid. What’s his name?
Me: Kenwood.
You:
Me: I’m really into stereotypes.
Attention & Pizza are best enjoyed, undivided!
Rented a Bowflex machine because it was the path of leased resistance.
“See you on the other side…”
~Me every time I’m at a gate with someone
Reporter 1: see Argentina needs to score here because if not they lose
Reporter 2: so true jon. So true
{Heaven}
ME: Hey, why didn’t you answer my prayers?
GOD: I did. Every time you said Goddamnit I damned it.
ME: Oh, no, that’s just—it’s like a saying.
GOD: Why would you even…I damned so much stuff!
Just opened my water bill and my electricity bill at the same time…
I was shocked.
I got scolded by the gyno for not being able to leave a pee sample, but if I’ve learned anything as a mom it’s to always use the bathroom before I leave home
on my last dying breath saying “please… tell her I love her…” and then handing a stranger a heart locket and when they open the necklace it’s a selfie of me
We have to buy a new toaster because my son tried using the icing packet from his toaster strudel as a potholder to protect his fingers and dropped it in the toaster, where it melted and oozed icing all over.
But in his defense, it didn’t say not to do that on the box.
A smile every mile will get you further faster but if that doesn’t work, carjacking does.
It’s okay when Pac Man runs all over the place eating pills and claiming ghosts are after him but when I do it I’m “crazy.”
I lost 6 hours of sleep last night, lying in bed wondering if Muppets get haircuts.
Just remember…once annoying family arrives, the only side dish you’ll need is whiskey and a shot glass.
The game has officially changed 😎
I truly wonder what it sounded like when Medusa washed her hair at night.
Here lies a mother, her struggle was valiant but in the end the laundry pile was too big and she couldn’t claw her way out
Me: If I drink 4 bottles of wine in 6 days, then am I an alcoholic?
7yo: This doesn’t feel like a second grade math question.
My 3yo demanded I eat breakfast in bed this morning. Which I’m hoping is a good enough explanation when my doctor asks why I have a belly fully of plastic donuts and chicken thighs.
If a cannibal ate a comedian, that would lead to some funny shit.
Why is there an eject button on the DVD remote? You still have to get up & take the disc out. It’s like having a remote to open the fridge.