I woke up and did 75 crunches.
Cap’n Crunches, but still.
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Why couldn’t the pirates play cards?
The captain was standing on the deck.
#CardPlayingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
A boy asked his bitcoin-investing dad for 1 bitcoin for his birthday.
Dad: What? $15,554??? $14,354 is a lot of money! What do you need $16,782 for anyway?
of course i’m gonna put all my eggs in one basket??? what’s the alternative, carrying like 12 different baskets for each egg? that’s impractical, i would look like a fool
My dad only says I love you on special occasions like birthdays, holidays, and competency hearings.
No Auto-correct, I never meant “Relationship Goats”.
Once an octopus figures out how to do roundhouse kicks, humans are pretty much done
If your name is Candy you shouldn’t be allowed to work at a weight loss clinic. It just seems cruel.
Me: My weight is up. I really hate winter.
Him: Don’t be discouraged. You’ll bounce back in spring once you shave your legs.
[party]
What exactly does BYOB mean?“Bring your own beer”
Bill Nye the Science Guy slowly slides the bacteria sample back in his lab coat
Never heard of the diseases mani and pedi, but she says she needs a cure for them.
I like to take my pants off in the middle of arguments so they end quicker.
i will not be silenced
I think my microwave’s broken. I keep pressing the pizza button and no pizza is coming out
hand-to-hand combat, but its just two mimes trying to establish dominance by pushing on opposite sides of the same imaginary box’s wall
[at roller rink]
My fanny pack is filled with marbles in case I need to create a diversion.
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
Inside you there are two wolves. One wants wings. The other also wants wings but remembers how their stomach felt after eating wings
*Mother driving me to an appt in the city as I clutch the passenger seat, white knuckled, terrified
Me: You drive like an old lady!
Her: That’s not very nice.
*swerves to avoid oncoming vegetable truck
Me: WE ARE GOING TO DIE
Her: Good thing I’m already an old lady.
GERG: She licked ur donut?
JERY: Shes a DONUT LICKER!
GERG: gross!
JERY: she also said she “hates america”
GERG: Donut licking traitor!
drinking water in front of my plants so they remember who the breadwinner is
9: I noticed there is bacon in the fridge
Me: yes
9: you gonna cook it?
Me: yes
9: I love you
Me: I know
In 1974 I helped a man called “Falcon” throw a heavy bag into the river.That nite on the news, I learned what it was: 300lbs of used condoms
10yo: (screaming) MOM, COME HERE RIGHT NOW!!
Me: Okay, Okay!
*steps on lego*
*stubs toe on fallen over chair*
*falls over laundry basket*
*slip-and-slides across spilt water*
*arrives at 10yo*
10yo: Never mind. I figured it out.
Happy thanksgiving!
Netflix: we added a show you might like
Me: I’m a complex human with thoughts & emotions you don’t know what I like
Netflix: it’s about two cops hunting a serial killer
Me: go on
Netflix: who fall in love
Me: that sounds ok
Netflix: starring Paul Rudd
Me: *calls in sick*
You probably get this a lot but…
*punches you in the face*
studying the Sphinx using Pharoahdynamics
My sister’s fiance is visiting from England on Friday, i thought I’d surprise him so I’ve been driving on the wrong side of the road
Me: You can watch me shower, but if my husband catches you he’ll kill you
Spider:
Roses are red
Violets are phony
Some
BODY ONCE TOLD ME
THE WORLD WAS GONNA ROLL ME