[Dollar Store Interview]
“What are your qualifications?”[Slides over a dollar]
“Cashier job is yours”[Slides $2]
“Welcome to Management”
You Might Also Like
[waterloo]
napoleon: wow. that was really embarrassing
general: yea
napoleon: hope nobody writes a song about this
Me: *establishes dominance by removing the toilet seat*
Wife: Good move, smart guy. What are you gonna do when you have to….
Me: Shit.
[trying to eat a pretzel]
the knot wizard hath defeated me again
Cristina Aguilera: “You’re beautiful! No matter what they say!”
Me: “Wait, what do they say?”
Yes…
I retweet.
Isn’t that kinda the point?
Spread the love and shit?
Mostly shit…
But that’s your fault…
Look at this fly rubbing his hands together, what is he up to?
*kicks door down*
*realizes its the wrong house*
*leaves*
*comes back with tool bag*
*fixes door*
*apologizes*
I use the incognito browser to search how to do the things I told my wife I know how to do
*tries to flirt*
*twirls hair in fingers*
*fingers get caught in giant knot*
*learns to live using only one arm*
“I don’t want a boyfriend.” -woman who wants a boyfriend who isn’t me
fellas is it gay to work construction? u need me to clean up a shaft?? ur gonna dump ur load where??? what size nuts do i have?? daddy chill i’m just here to werk
ketchup is a weird flavor to do for a chip. just empty a ketchup bottle on a regular chip like the rest of us, bozo!
Me: {drops lungs at dry cleaners} Moderate bleach, light press, air dry, and fluff before pick up my good man
Undercover cop at a beauty salon: I’ve been made, over
Cop: Know how fast you were going?
“55?”
Cop: Faster.
“217.”
Cop: Um, no, 72.
“24?”
Cop: I already told y-
“Negative 6?”
Cop: Get out.
In Hell you have to drive with balloons in the car and you have to put them in the car with the doors open.
[pumpkin patch]
Cinderella: how many miles on this one?
Farmer: please stop kicking them
6-year-old: I’m laughing cause your laugh makes me laugh. Your joke’s not funny though.
That stung.
Women do things I can’t even imagine doing: give birth, close cabinet doors, etc.
NAZI: I’m a Nazi
MEDIA: How controversial
NAZI: I said I was a Nazi
MEDIA: Your clothes are beautifully tailored
I was talking to my wife last night. Man, it sounds like her husband is a real jerk.
If I had known I could hurt myself just by sneezing I wouldn’t have been in such a hurry to grow up
After hitting that pothole I can see spring’s in the air…along with a wheel and the rest of my suspension.
You shouldn’t judge people. What if that bloke outside your window with a clown mask and knife is just a chef that lost his way.
Instead of going to see Godzilla vs Kong I’ll just ask two of my kids to do a project together.
I failed my audition as Romeo through a misunderstanding over a stage direction. My copy of the script said: ‘Enter Juliet from the rear’
During a calendar lesson today in first grade…
Me: Who can tell us what season of the year it will be this Saturday? What season comes after summer?
6yo boy: (completely serious) Football season.
Am I the only one who just buys a new printer when the ink is gone? Also, does anyone want to make a sweet printer fort?
My wife: Don’t kiss me, your stubble hurts my face.
Also my wife: [has three facial exfoliants that contain sand, walnut shells and bamboo]