During a calendar lesson today in first grade…
Me: Who can tell us what season of the year it will be this Saturday? What season comes after summer?
6yo boy: (completely serious) Football season.
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[spelling bee]
Judge: your word is tennis
Me: s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s
Judge:
Me:
Judge: please spell it again i lost count
I always hold open doors and let ladies through first because, you know, snipers.
I wonder if Scarlett Johansson ever fantasizes about fat comic book nerds, or is that just a one-way street?
Galadriel told Frodo only he could destroy the ring. Smokey Bear said only YOU can prevent wildfires. Frodo did his job; did you do yours?
My son is on guitar, my daughters are on drums and harmonica, and I’m on my second ibuprofen.
Realtor: This house will need a lot of work, but it has good bones
Dog: WE’LL TAKE IT
Guys, I need a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
Professor: There are no stupid questions
Me: What happens if you stab someone with a healing crystal?
Professor: There is one stupid question
[marital relations]
My husband: Hey, want to————-
Me, interrupting: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy
WIFE: Use the newspaper to get that bee down
ME: Ok *grabs newspaper and reads the news out loud*
BEE *depressed* holy shit
Fashion designers: What do you want?
Me: something that hides my belly fat, shows off my curves and something even an 80 year old would find comfortable
Fashion designers: we don’t do magic
Guys, please stop wearing Nasa shirts, I bet you can’t even name one of their songs
my 10 yr plan is to wait till I’m 9 yrs 11 mos in & then absolutely slay
[dinner party]
*host clinks glass* “Everyone we’re having a baby”!
*whispers to other guest* “Oh come on! I told them I was a vegetarian.”
ibopfufen
[girl at a restaurant starts choking on her food]
me: [to the waitress] I’ll have what she’s having 😉
*brings laser pointer to the “Cats” movie*
me: “hey who’s your favourite child?”
wife: “we’re not supposed to have a favourite”
me: “why not? i do”
wife: “who?”
me: “macaulay culkin, home alone 2”
My aunt’s ex-boyfriend’s mailman’s brother said it on Facebook so I don’t think any further research is necessary.
“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
“A BETTER STRUCTURE FOR MEASUREMENT OF TIME THAT ISN’T AN ILLUSION CREATED BY MAN”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
…
“shit”
As a dad it’s your duty to ask “how were the roads?” within fifteen minutes of a visitors arrival
“Don’t be a stranger,” I say, having already forgotten the name of the person I’m talking to.
He is ready
#meowed #TheMeowedClub
Nephew: Do you like Minecraft?
Me: [trying to seem cool] I am interested in how mines are built, yes.
Just once I’d like to buy a house plant that didn’t have the lifespan of a soap bubble.
I’ve made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I never ate candy corn on purpose.
He asked what my favorite position was… I said CEO
To be honest, I’m annoyed that my 5th grade curriculum didn’t include a ‘Defense against the dark arts’ class.
i was just about to start being a good person but then i got mildly inconvenienced