Husband: How much of the kids’ candy are you going to eat?
Me:
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*opens dating site account* prepare to be dated you pieces of shit
Ate my wife’s chocolates & said they were coffee flavored because she doesn’t like those but guess what guys they weren’t coffee flavored.
For the first time in forever, I used the term “oopsie-daisy”. Couldnt be avoided. I mean what else do you say when you drop someone’s baby?
#WhenYouAdoptAPet you’ll always be safe from cheese. #tailsofjoy
them: do you think about other people when you have sex
me: when I have what now
Google Maps says it’s a 29 minute walk, but where’s the secret calculation for the long-legged and impatient?
Sorry girl, you know you were dating a bad boy *heads out to fight boss without saving or buying potions*
Holiday dinners with family are like real life boss levels with the worst loot
Kids: Always remember to brush your drugs and don’t do teeth.
I think nervous flatulence would be helpful if you were ever kidnapped
*shakes the internet like a magic 8-ball* What am I mad about today?
‘I can quit anytime I want’ I mutter to myself everyday on my way work.
Nothing more humiliating than sending a text message with a picture and the picture doesn’t send for ages and now you’ve said something sooo odd out of context
I would throw more parties if they didn’t turn me into a hotel concierge. Always standing. Always waiting for someone to need me.
one time i went to a guy’s house and he made me watch The Crow on DVD and then when it ended he restarted it from the beginning and i had to pretend my flatmate had been arrested so i could leave
ME: [trying to console a friend whose house has been demolished] Cheer up, bulldozing is the sincerest form of flattery
[tour of zoo]
kid: “i think its a elephant”
me: “are you giving the tour”
kid:
me: “anyway as i was saying this is the big snake face thing”
We have to operate now
if the cancer spreads anymore you won’t be able to tell the difference between people & food
“Are you nuts?”
Dear God
Even if you are fully vaccinated, you should not lick the escalator rails…
Me: If you love something you have to let it go.
Wife: Get your own bag of shredded cheese
Foal me once, I have a baby horse. Foal me twice, no one needs this many baby horses. Foal me thrice, please stop. I have no room for them.
[hardware store]
Me: Let me do the talking. This is man stuff
Wife: Fine
Clerk: Can I help you?
Me: I need a whacker thingy to hit nails
Don’t tell me what your cats’ names are, I’ll call’em what I want.
Oh, Mittens & Snuggles?
WRONG. THAT’S WILDSTYLE & THAT’S SNACKMOUTH.
The cat knocked over my coffee in the home office this morning and I’ve reported her to HR. In other news, HR has hired my cat.
If coronavirus isn’t about beer then why do they keep talking about cases of it
I can’t get my 10y/o out of bed in the morning unaided. I have to waft bacon scent in her face and then she wakes up on her own.
In order to stop teeth grinding, it’s recommended you sleep with your jaw slightly ajar.
While you’re at it, you may as well lay out a welcome mat for spiders.
[first time]
HER: (handing me condom) Do you know how to put this on?
ME: They showed us in health class.
HER: Good.
ME: Okay, where’s the banana?
Life was so barbaric in the olden days. Imagine hitting snooze on a rooster.
*goes to the gym*
*takes a selfie & posts it on Facebook for the wife to see*
*hurries to the bar*