i meant to share this earlier
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Me: *giving my wife puppy dog eyes*
Wife: WHERE THE HELL DID YOU GET THESE?
My kids didn’t follow me into the bathroom so now I’m scared to leave and find out what they got into instead
Oh no, my favorite furniture store is going out of business again still.
Would you rather get paid $1,000,000 right now or pay somebody $10 a day to wake you up by punching you in the face?
I’ll take Option B. It keeps you motivated to go out and EARN. That’s the hustler mentality
My Sherpa girlfriend is too high-mountainance.
<Morgue>
Me:*gasping sob* That’s her. I’d recognize that Boner Garage tattoo anywhere. Oh, Grandma.
Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.
When I get naked in the bathroom, the shower usually gets turned on.
companies sending a rejection email after i apply for yet another role with them
7: Are monsters real Mommy?
Me: Yes, they are. They’re in my office and they “reply all” on emails.
Your call is important to us. Please continue to hold until your battery is dead.
date: where did u get that, i don’t see that on the menu
me: (biting into my corn on the cob) i bring my own corn on the cob
When people ask your age, respond in Celsius.
This book I found in my closet says to treat your spouse as you would on the first date, so I split the bill and dropped her off at her parents.
Was my family happy about the new “no phones at the dinner table” rule? No. But did we have some great conversations as a result? Also no.
my daughter hones her survival instincts by forgoing the provided bowl and spreading goldfish crackers all over the house to forage & store
Yet another “No DMs” bio. All this civil rights progress but bigotry against Dungeon Masters is still tolerated.
added child seasoning to the list instead of chili, so that changes up next week’s menu.
I love how there’s just no social rules at the airport. Wanna sleep on the ground in public? Cool. A shot of tequila and beer at 7am? Right on, normal stuff. Also the dogs are cops.
Hot singles are in your area!
Hot singles are on your block!
Hot singles are in your house!
Hot singles are here to kill you!
Not my circus. Not my monkeys. But I’m 99% positive I know those clowns.
Call me so I have your number.
[5 minutes later] Oh.. I have a missed call?
Dating is just deciding if you like a person more than being lonely, then choosing wrong.
The wife and I decided we’re gonna try and have another baby so now she’s distracting the hospital security guy while I sneak in
Just reminded when my mate went to a bday party in the US, didn’t know many people & was shy – so when they sang happy birthday she rly decided to get into the “hip hip hooray!”without realising they don’t do it there. Went from quiet to all of a sudden SCREAMING hip hip hooray
[mob about to stone a sinner]
JESUS: Stop! Let he who is without sin throw the first stone.
[mob drops rocks]
JESUS: [picks up rock]
I was only mildly famous in the ’90s but vaccinate your kids
[eating an entire extra large pizza to myself]
ME: *hears a knock on the door* THIS STALL IS TAKEN.
Remember when all bombs looked like a black bowling ball with a giant wick in the top? Yep, simpler times.