Just reminded when my mate went to a bday party in the US, didn’t know many people & was shy – so when they sang happy birthday she rly decided to get into the “hip hip hooray!”without realising they don’t do it there. Went from quiet to all of a sudden SCREAMING hip hip hooray
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Kid: We never have anything good to eat!
Me: Go shake your car seat out.
Stephen Fry is being investigated for blasphemous comments.
Stephen Colbert is being investigated for a joke.
LET MY STEPHENS GO! 😡
I’m failing my French class, or should I say “Ich bin versagen mein Franzosisch klasse”
My wife CLAIMS to be my best friend but she didn’t seemed all that psyched when I bragged about this girl at work I just made out with.
Friend: I’m so tired of remakes and reboots and sequels! Make something original!
Me: Don’t you write Transformers fan fiction?
Friend: It’s GoBots fan fiction, and shut up.
*sadly removes MY KID IS AN HONOR STUDENT bumper sticker and replaces it with MY KID SUCKS AT FORTNITE*
ME: I’m so happy, I could treat a horse!
WIFE: *sighs* That’s not a saying
[spoon-feeding ice cream to horse] Don’t listen to her Mr Butters
*young people decide to avoid hard drugs and lead healthier lifestyles*
BUSINESS INSIDER HEADLINE: millenials are killing the meth industry
If women would start naming their periods like hurricanes it would be alot easier for us men to remember which argument you are referring to
Someone with OCD visited my TL whilst I was napping and now all my tweets
seem to be facing the same way.
My diorama of the Three Little Pigs mise-en-scéne was overshadowed by my sister’s master’s degree. I’m not mad, but I’ll probably cancel the show.
My 1yo recently learned how to say “Hiiiii!” Except she pronounces it with a “D.” So every morning when I get her up the first thing she says to me in her sweet little voice: “Dieeeeee.”
Autocorrect changed my condolence tweet from “your family is in my thoughts” to “your family is in my thighs” and now I’m blocked.
My grandma & grandpa’s double headstone reads “I tried” and “No you didn’t”
your elf on the shelf was delicious
We were so high at the movies that I tried find my seatbelt and my friend helped me look for it.
Oh my god gurrrll, he said WHAT? Told you men are trash now did I, alright gimme the tea!
I stuffed my mom last night. I know you’re thinking I have an Oedipus complex and that’s gross but jokes on you I’m a taxidermist
Never underestimate a woman sitting quietly in a corner sharpening a knife.
Don’t “psh” me, Coca Cola I just opened.
I’m 43 years old and still ask if I’ll need a shot and expect a lollipop every time I go to the doctor.
I dropped my bowl of SpaghettiOs and it spelled ‘oooooooo’ on the floor. Spooky
Nature show: pythons can grow over 20 feet
Me: they’re gonna need so many shoes
*94K tweets later* I’m really a very private person
Remember when the Backstreet Boys sang ‘Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely’ and then we all showed them for the rest of their lives?
[Joining a gang]
me: so who do I stab for initiation?
members: again, this is a book club
[Speed dating]
HER: I’m really into astronomy
ME: the moon follows me when I drive
Some BODY once told me
Your plums
were in the icebox
Forgive me
for this breakfast disgraceI was looking kinda dumb
with a plate
all full of plums
so sweet
so cold
and stuffed in my face
Me: *hyperventilating* 911? BEES! … EVERYWHERE! … SEND…HELP!
“Sir we don’t …”
Me: OMG! DON’T YOU HAVE A SWAT TEAM FOR THIS?
I wish Gordon Ramsay would get one tattoo so I could take him seriously as a chef.