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Honestly, guys. I’ve got a fox stuck in my washing machine. WHAT THE ACTUAL FOX
65 mph wind gusts today. This is why Midwesterners are heavy. Everyone else rolls away like a tumbleweed.
Before NASA sent Curiosity, Mars was bustling with cats.
A travel of a thousand miles starts with a solo government-charged full-body cavity search at the airport.
if you ever think that you’re having a bad day just remember, there once was a lady who lived in a shoe
Wife: can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: ok that’s low, Sharon
[at the drug store]
Employee: May I help you, sir?
Me (nervously): YEAH, I’M LOOKING FOR SOMETHING CALLED A “CHILL PILL”
I’m always there for my friends when I need them.
– Then use a paw of oregano and a tooth of salt
-Are you kidding me? How much is a ”paw”?
-You say ”a pinch ” all the time and nobody asks. Figure it out. You’re the 5 star chef, n’est pas?
that’s exactly what a van without puppies would say
Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: Sexy nurse!
H: Meet me in the bedroom.
[10 minutes later]
*we both come in wearing nurse costumes*
M: Uh.
My 4yo wants a younger sibling. I keep telling her no. 4 kids is enough. She keeps trying to convince me. Today she said, “you can make this one an outside baby.” Like, the baby only lives outside. She’s getting really good at this. I can maybe go for an outside baby, maybe.
sober me: where’s my phone?
drunk me: I’ll never tell
refrigerator: you’re not going to believe this
me: [teary eyed] if anything ever happened to you i would kill myself
her: ur kinda weird for a surgeon
Star Trek was my favorite show as a kid because I liked to fantasize about getting beamed off this planet.
It’s my favorite show now for the same reason.
Next time you’re on a date and someone asks “Is that your boyfriend or your brother?” smile really creepy and whisper “Both”.
My 3yo is mad at me because her birthday isn’t the same as her older sister’s…
Send help!
Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Pancake mix is too runny. Adds mix. Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Feeds family 120 pancakes.
Mambo Number Five, but it’s a list of all the serial killers you dated without ever realizing it
i hate daylight savings. it’s gonna take me weeks to stop writing the wrong time on my checks.
me: [listening to The Twelve Days of Christmas] “no person wants this many birds”
When I was in 8th grade, I tried to get this guy to break up with me. So, when he would call me I would just sing N Sync songs to him.
I still had to break up with him.
Love triangle? You mean this Dorito?
Don’t worry. Artificial intelligence will never replace actual ignorance.
[Interrogation room after a massive Swiss cheese theft]
Detective: I gotta tell ya, your story sure has a lot of….inconsistencies in it.
*walks into alma mater carrying English degree*
I’d like a refund, please. This did not work as promised.
Genie: You have three wi–
Me: [trying to stuff him back into his container because I didn’t want to talk to anyone today]
A company decided to stop paying its drivers, so one of them parked his truck on the owners Ferrari & left it there.
Whoa I’m floating! Am I…dead?
“No it’s a dream”
What a relief! Wait. Who said that?
Grim Reaper: (mutters) shit
Uh nobody go back to sleep