Honestly, guys. I’ve got a fox stuck in my washing machine. WHAT THE ACTUAL FOX
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Oh god I decided to look cute instead of wearing stretchy clothes and now I’m being bisected by the waistband of my pants and I have such regrets
In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.
How can my wife’s hands not open a jar of pickles in the day, but become superhuman vice-grips at night when I want some covers?
“Then, the handsome prince sees her dead body laying there and has to kiss her.”
“Ummm, what?”
“Trust me, the kids will love it.”
me before I type out affect or effect
Mirror: If you break me, it’s 7yrs bad luck.
Condom: LOL
As I’m loudly interrogating my stuffed animals on why I’m single, I realize why I’m still single.
In High School I was pretty popular with all the boys.
I was known as “Hey, will you ask your friend if she likes me?”
There are no more ventriloquist’s dummy comedians because the ventriloquist dummies killed them all.
My niece just said “Birds live in a birdhouse & we live in a people house!” Cute, huh? Wrong; my niece is 26 & on trial for manslaughter.
The Tower of Babel is my favourite story. Made God so mad that he forced everybody to learn French. Imagine being so angry you invent the phrase sacré bleu.
“Son you’re just not cut out to be a mime.”
“Is it something I said?”
“Yes.”
HE DRINKS A WHISKEY DRINK
HE DRINKS A VODKA DRINK
HE DRINKS A LAGER DRINK
HE DRINKS A CIDER DRINK
HE SINGS THE SONGS THAT REMIND HIM OF THE GOOD TIMES
HE TELLS HIS DOCTOR THAT HE ONLY DRINKS LIKE MAYBE ONCE OR TWICE A WEEK HONESTLY ITS JUST KIND OF A SOCIAL THING
OHHHHHHHH
I don’t tell many people this, but I have been known to carry a shiv.
Okay, it’s the underwire in my bra and the only one getting stabbed is me, but still.
5: I need you to give me some money.
Me: Why?
5: Let me worry about that.
Summer vacation with my kids is just me asking, “Have you brushed your teeth today?”
[Texting]
My Brother: Here’s pictures from my 40 mile hike
Me: Here’s pictures of my second breakfast
I shall plucketh thine eyes from ye skull and make kebobs but with bendy straws instead of skewers cuz those are dangerous
Pink has done surprisingly well as a solo artist ever since her and Floyd split up.
[Phone with Mom]
“Did you just friend request me?”
I’m on fb now
“I’m not adding you”
Fine do your own laundry then
*accepts friend request*
MOVIES: Ok, time for bed kiddo.
*child kisses parents and goes to bedMY HOUSE: Time for bed.
*mixed martial acrobatics is now a sport
The Amazon driver drove right by my house without dropping off a package.
He’s got some nerve.
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
Easy come, Bismillah!
easy go, No, we
will you let will not let
me go? you go
the boston alphabet is only 25 letters because they threw the t in the harbor
My whole life was a lie.
Glad the lady in front of me decided at the last second to stop at the yellow light as I prefer to eat my fries from the dashboard.
Ro-Ro-Robocop,
Gently down the stream,
Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily,
Killing bad guys in old Detroit in revenge for his murder.
when I die I want to go to heaven to see my grandpa, but only if he’s learned to keep his bathrobe tied