I haven’t ordered anything from Amazon in a week, and they just sent local law enforcement by the house to do a welfare check.
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There are probably millions of songs in existence.
radio stations: what if we only played these same 5 ones though?
When a cop tells you to get out of your car, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you. Now I know.
[BOOPS nose]
COP: Sir, I’m gonna need you to touch your finger to the tip of YOUR nose.
[first date]
I’m sorry, I fiddle when I get nervous
“That’s okay”
Yeah….
*jams out epic fiddle solo for the rest of the date*
The worst part about painting is drinking the brush water.
I hate when Netflix asks if I’m still watching. You really think I got my life together in the last 2 hours?
WHY DOES THIS DENTAL FLOSS REFUSE TO LET ME TOSS IT INTO THE BATHROOM TRASH CAN?
coworker: look at my baby
me: wats his name
coworker: jeremy
me: how do u kno
coworker: we named him jeremy
me: wat if he already had a name
Got a text from an unknown number that said “I’m on my way,” so I’m tweeting this from the closet.
My sister got that phone call from school that everyone fears… her kid has LICE, so she asked me what to do and I told her to pick up lots of wine because if she’s going to have lice then she might as well be drunk and have lice.
Me: Just the other night I was sleeping in my bed and now here I am in the grandest backyard in the world having champagne with you fine people.
The Anthill That Has Formed By My Trashcan: *ant noises*
landlord put a coin-op pay box on the laundry a month into our stay so I’m looking up the manufacturer and buying a replacement key for it to steal my quarters back.
Witness protection program or abducted by aliens? I wanna get this breakup text just right
I have pictures of random children in my house. When my kid misbehaves I gently remind him of the brothers & sisters that came before him that are no longer part of the family.
I’m going to get some steel wool so I can crochet myself a new car.
Who the hell invented Bull Riding?
“Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me!!!”
Leaving my browser history open in case anyone in this coffee shop tries to steal my laptop when I’m in the bathroom.
I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest weakness is, I always want to say, “Stairs”.
Yelp review: Dating
You have to brush your hair and leave the house. Most places won’t let you bring your cat.
Would not recommend.
Scariest things in the world:
1. Clowns
2. Phone calls
3. That feeling when you accidentally tip your office chair back too far and your life flashes before your eyes
[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
I thought about giving up my sexual innuendo tweets but it’s too hard.
There’s a reason we say cheese and not salad when we have to smile for a photo.
I wonder if Batman ever saw the Batsignal and thought ‘I’ve literally just sat down.”
people are like ooohhh you’re twice divorced? yes. i like getting divorced, ok?
Don’t you hate when you’re an astronaut and someone opens the hatch to go into space and you’re like, “nooooo, all my air guitars!”
I asked what she wanted for her birthday and she said she’d like anything I picked out for her and I’ve never been more afraid.
Apparently banging the hell out of this remote doesn’t seem to be recharging these dead batteries.
Professor: There’s no such thing as stupid questions
Me: *clears throat