Professor: There’s no such thing as stupid questions
Me: *clears throat
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[Luxury hotel planning meeting]
Fluffy pillows?
Absolutely.Soft towels?
Definitely.Quality toilet paper?
Sandpaper is fine.
“Are you sexually ac-” [my doctor looks up at me] [he marks no]
The person you are trying to stalk
Is stalking another person..
Please wait
Just a reminder that when Shakespeare was quarantined because of the plague, he wrote King Lear.
Ran into an old friend who said that they thought I was dead. It was nice catching up.
surgeon: you can’t lift anything over ten pounds for 6 weeks.
me: how am i supposed to pee?
*surgeon high-fives me*
I tried to explain Pokémon to my 4-year-old.
After hearing myself say it out loud, I’m pretty sure I ruined both of our childhoods.
my 80yr/o grandma is on facebook & she is a living click-bait article, she didn’t even tell me what to do with it
Uber is going to choose a new CEO in 4 minutes. Now 5 minutes. Shit now it’s 11 minutes away, why is it going in the opposite direction
911: Ma’am the emails are coming from your garden! Get out of the yard now!! A botanist is on the way!
Spinach: *laughs maniacally*
bank robber: ok listen up this is a robbery, everybody be cool [to me] take off those sunglasses
me: first of all, i can’t do both
As a child, I thought that more recipes would call for Eyes Of Newt…
I’ve been using special shampoo and I’ve noticed my hair is stronger, it benched 240lbs the other day
me: [excitedly opening litter box] those are not kittens
[ opening mail ]
Her: The homeowners association made a new rule saying that we cannot display fake blood or any character from a horror film in the front yards of the neighborhood this year.
Me: What?!
Her: Guess you’ll have to do something nice using just pumpkins.
Me:
eavesdropping at a coffee shop to this girl talking for an HOUR STRAIGHT about how she can’t find a good man and she hasn’t let her friend say even a single WORD. like sweetheart the call is coming from inside the house
19 showed us what he has learned at college when he asked “can we drink screwdrivers while we are opening presents?”
*making screwdrivers*
Daughter: are ghosts real?
Me: no.
Daughter: grandma told me ghosts are real.
Me: honey, grandma passed away before you were bor-wait.
As my toddlers took me down like a pride of lions, one pinning my shoulders to the floor and one biting my ear, it occurred to me that maybe we should watch less nature channel
(Electricians.)
Him: Your beautiful….
Me: My beautiful what? My beautiful WHAT?!!
“Hey, Mr Tambourine Man, play a song for me.”
*shakes tambourine*
“Got any others?”
*shakes tambourine*
“Sounds a lot like the last one”
[driver on opposite side of the road puts head lights on]
moth driving: omg
moth wife: Harold no we have a baby
moth baby: FLOOR IT DAD
So many flashing lights and alarms on the new refrigerator. I think it might be a first responder.
I blocked some guys and another guy said good job and I blocked him too.
I’m giving up for Lent.
Me: It isn’t Max on the original Mad Max movie poster. It’s his friend Goose
Priest: Would anyone else like to say a few words? Perhaps about the deceased this time?
What I say and what I mean are three different things.
ghost me: baaaaaa
guy: are you saying baa instead of boo
ghost me: look i just died yesterday ok please don’t stress me out
This is actually what my executive dysfunction looks like