The Tower of Babel is my favourite story. Made God so mad that he forced everybody to learn French. Imagine being so angry you invent the phrase sacré bleu.
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Inside you are two wolves. Inside each of them? You guessed it: two more wolves. Are there two wolves inside each of those two wolves? You better believe there are. You are a wolf pyramid scheme, my friend.
very few whales can do a kickflip but also very few skateboarders could eat 40 million krill in one day, everyone has their strengths and weaknesses
I feel like anyone who comments on anything is insane.
Waiter: And what would you like sir?
Me: I’d like the entire restaurant to stop gasping every time I say something.
Entire restaurant: *gasps*
me: I need to see the doctor
receptionist: ok, name?
me: I can’t remember but he has gray hair
*Googles Yahoo*
Google: Wow. I’m right here
“This soup was so good I wish I could just…NOMCRNCHNCH”
*chewing glass*
“There must be a better way!”-Inventing the bread bowl
My urologist said I have a healthy prostate. I was deeply touched.
Guy from the Prodigy: I’m a firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Okay fine
Guy from the Prodigy: You’re the firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Aww man don’t drag me into this shit
Who wants to pump my gas? This is not sexual.
People come into your life for a reason. It’s annoying
[seafood restaurant]
CHEF: where are my shellfish?!
ME: *sneaking Prawn Solo and Luke Sidewalker out the door* quick, the rebel alliance needs you
Almonds are good for when I want to have a healthy snack and want to stop having twelve dollars.
“I am the God of mischief in Norse mythology, but I don’t want too many people knowing about it”.
– Low key.
I Tokyo drifted around a corner on black ice this morning and now I gotta swing back home for some fresh underwear happy Friday
covid spelled backwards is devil. Don’t look just take my word for it.
My sister bought glitter for the children, so now I’m trying to add her name to a terrorist watchlist.
Me: I’ll remember this verification code and don’t need to write it down.
Me two seconds later: Oh no!
It is kid law that they will start liking some food and then become more and more obsessed with it until you finally buy it in bulk at Costco at which exact point they will find said food disgusting and want nothing to do with it
Just found a tiny box full of kids teeth hidden under my sink…dear god I hope these are from my children
Do something nice for your ex today, take them out. One bullet should do the trick.
Working from home has been nice but I’m starting to really miss frantically pressing the “close door” button as my coworker sprints towards the elevator
Soccer has such a high risk of injury. The other day, at my son’s game, I crushed my finger folding up a camp chair.
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board
me: i have a doctorate in mathematics
flight attendant: this man is dying
me: minus one
Other moms: I hate summer break
Me: I love summer break – I have no laundry to do since my kids never change their clothes
I’m so glad we could finally reconnect after all these years because I’d really like your help on my virtual farm.
I think Jesus came up with that whole virgin birth story. No one wants to picture their parents doing it.
Stubbed my toe leaving the hospital. Called my doctor complaining of a painful discharge.
My wife accused me of spending too much time on twitter. That’s funny, when did I get a wife?