ME: (first day as a detective) It looks like he accidentally shot himself in the head while trying to eat his own gun. What a shame.
MY PARTNER: Have u considered suicide?
ME: Jesus Christ man, I just get sad sometimes. I dont want to die.
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(At the dentist)
‘Your grinding isn’t good.’
Excuse me! I’ve never had a man complain before.
My kids couldn’t give two shits about personal hygiene unless we are running late somewhere
Perhaps you could be persuaded to look the other way, Officer.
How come those cross species adoption videos are always cats or dogs raising baby birds? Just once I’d like to see a hawk enthusiastically barfing into a kittens mouth.
My teen used the word buoyancy to describe something, so I asked her to spell that, and without missing a beat she said ” Duh Beyoncé “
The bad news is, I’ve failed yet again to poach eggs. The good news is, in my attempts I’ve discovered how to turn lead into gold.
[High school reunion]
Person: “Are you wearing the same clothes you wore on our last day of school?”
Me: “You told me to never change.”
After the hipster got his girl pregnant, he wouldn’t shut up about how he was into her before she got big.
assistant: sir, profits have decreased by 50%
shrink ray company CEO: excellent
[going to the gym for the first time ever] Forgive me trainer for I have sinned, it has been 37 years since I’ve worked out
Fun game to play at the beach…seashell or potato chip.
Me: [Sits down to eat breakfast]
Girlfriend: Babe, you forgot the French Toast
Me: Oh sorry [raises glass] VIVE LA FRANCE!
This gonna be me in 2 weeks
Me: Do you want to hit the steam room after this?
Leonard the shrimp I work out with: *aggressive shrimp noises*
Me: Christ, it’s a joke Leonard. Calm down.
[death row]
prison chef: would you like to request a final meal?
me: yes, casserole, but can you cook it for twenty five years
i remember as a kid being like “Wow as an adult i’ll be able to buy as much candy as i want whenever i want” which turned out to be completely true and as amazing as i imagined
When someone looks over my shoulder while I’m on the computer, I open up a new tab and start searching, “HOW TO KILL THE PERSON BEHIND ME.”
Person 1: hey did you go see the new Holy Infant?
Person 2: I did
Person 1: what’s he like?
Person 2: so tender and mild
Person 1: what
*gets last year’s turkey out of the attic*
Wow, what a moving acceptance speech from John Lithgow:
If you see someone over the age of 9 wearing sweatpants, pull them aside & say “Friend, you’re wearing sweatpants.” They might not know.
Based on the week’s events , I’d say aluminum foil companies will be having a banner year.
The Burger King is good at heart, but his advisors deceive him.
My six year old just hissed at me. I’m either doing this parenting thing right, or horribly, horribly wrong.
🎶Row, row, Robocop
Gently down the stream
Directive one: Uphold the law
I am part machine🎶
me: *dies*
death: welcome to the afterlife
me: how do I get to heaven?
death: *points* go up those stairs
me: what about hell?
death: *points* go down those stairs
me: and limbo?
death: *points* just duck under that bar
rumpelstiltskin: your child is mine unless you can guess my name within three days
barista: oh no
BABY WARDEN: ok lights out
BABY INMATES: but we’re scared of the dark
[pitch black]
BABY WARDEN: oh shit lights back on! lights back on!
All firemen must dread the moment when they’re done for the day and have to find the strength to climb back up the pole.
[cockroach crawls by]
Friend: Did you know that roaches can survive a nuclear war?
*looks down*
*squishes it with shoe*Me: Not that one.