I’m not sure about accusing someone of wanting to get into my pants. I’d like to see him try. I can hardly get into them myself..
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me: you died in poverty
clone of nikola tesla: damn
me: but now the world recognizes your genius
tesla: ha I guess so, look at this car with my name on it
me: ok so remember when I called this a “good news sandwich”?
BRENDA: I brought cookies!
ME: I guess I can have one, I’ve been good all week
*eats cookie*
*eats entire tray of cookies*
*eats Brenda too*
Still laughing at this stupid meme
I am officially old enough to have to put on glasses to find my pants
in addition to “block” and “report” there should be a button that tells the user’s mom what they’ve been posting
Is your wife buying too many shoes? Cut her feet off. There, done.
Eating nothing but beer for a month call that oktoberfast.
O: put your seatbelt on, honey
o: i will, mom
O: you ready?
ø: yes
My parents are divorced. I feel fat and all the other girls my age have boyfriends.
Him: Being a teenager is tough.
Me: *sigh* I’m 40.
The 4 stage of life:
1. You believe in Santa Claus
2. You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3. You are Santa Clause
4. You look like Santa Claus
If my toddler doesn’t stay in bed this time, he’s watching Game of Thrones. I don’t even care that he hasn’t seen the first season yet.
Today’s Tarot Card: Someone keeps reanimating you against your will.
I have literally never stopped thinking about this
I need an app that after the third time I press the snooze button, my phone pours cold water on my face.
My son just literally ran into a trash can, then got up and walked around it to put his empty snack wrapper in my hand, if you’re wondering what it’s like to be a mom.
Hi if you have three kids you will either do dishes twice a day or you will buy 3,439 forks.
Starting to get the feeling like there is a fennel cabal out there forcing chefs to put fennel in as many dishes as possible, this fennel conspiracy hurts all of us
The coconut is very versatile. It can be eaten or be used to make a radio.
Home is where the tap water doesn’t taste funny.
velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery
Dude! Stop being such a baby, man up, walk over there and ask her if she like, ‘like-likes’ me.
8yo got mad and retaliated by stomping out of the room and turning the light off on me, so I guess that’s one way to get her to turn the light off when she leaves the room.
I consider myself a loyal person but not dog of a homeless guy loyal…
I enjoy the outdoors when it stays outdoors.
If it weren’t for bad decisions, I’d be pretty indecisive.
[JanSport keynote address]
(audience grumbling)
“where is he?”
*CEO emerges from backpack on stage*
*crowd goes nuts*
I need a headline like this
texting with my sister in law fighting for my life to keep up with her exclamation points
ignored emails coming back to bite me call that “night of the unread”
I used to hate the “Kids on Board” stickers for cars. I now understand they are warning us they will be driving erratically because…you know…KIDS ON BOARD!