I need a headline like this
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My wife asked me if she had any ‘annoying’ habits and then got all offended during the power point presentation.
centipede: *gets down on one knee*
girlfriend: omg
centipede: *puts down second knee*
girlfriend: uhm…okay
centipede: *puts down third knee*
girlfriend: please stop
[hell]
me: wow it’s hot down hereguy: ya but it’s a dry heat
me: i totally get why you’re here
Dog: WHAT IF I’M HERE ALONE FOREVER
Dog 911: WHAT WILL U EAT
Dog: probably eat the cat LOL
Dog 911: LOL
Last night I went to a fancy dress party dressed as a screwdriver. I turned a few heads.
there’s probably a fee though
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s most likely where you left your car.
I had a dream that IKEA offered a ride sharing service and nobody could figure out how to get out of the car.
Look kid, you can’t die from embarrassment. Believe me, I’ve tried.
Artists when they havent drawn for 1 second
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a restaurant who ran out of garlic bread
Pfizer: Our new Covid vaccine needs to be stored at minus seventy degrees which will create logistics issues.
My wife: Would you like to use our bedroom?
me: what do we say if a stranger tries to give us candy?
5:
me:
5: we say thank you
Chocolate cheesecake so good you forget that your wife told you not to eat it.
last christmas
i saved me some plums
the very next day
you ate them anywaynext year
to save me from tears
i’ll eat all my plums for dinner
Friend: What have you been watching lately?
Me: Zoom
[on a date]
*wonders if she’ll steal my fries while I use the restroom*
*shakes Magic 8 ball*
“YES”
*takes plate of fries with me*
#ParentingFacts
It’s complicated.
-My response when someone asks if they can have one of my beers.
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
Always let those you hate have the lion’s share.
Then tell the lion.
[Top of the Eiffel Tower]
Me: I just want you to know “eiffel” in love with you
Them:
Me: get it? “I fell”
Them: *pushes me off* you fell
Relationships: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job.
Me: I’m not the same person I was when you met me.
Him: we met six seconds ago.
You ever take a nap so good that you thought you missed the school bus. But it’s Sunday…and you’re 32.
Every family has a crazy aunt.
Me: Our family doesn’t have one of those.
My sisters’ families:
Me:
My brothers’ families:
Me: Oh.
be the person your targeted ads think you should be
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
Stages of Candle Burning
1: this smells nice
2: still smells nice
3: this is all I can smell now
4: this is the only scent I have ever known