I had a dream that IKEA offered a ride sharing service and nobody could figure out how to get out of the car.
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Think I left the oven on, better turn around
-me, leading a wagon train
The dude who invented the flashlight got me through some dark times.
My 2022 Resolutions:
1. Don’t die
2. Race a sloth
3. Develop new trust issues
4. Offend more people by being myself
5. Don’t use hashtags
6. Keep tweeting crap like this
Professor: There are no stupid questions
Me: What happens if you stab someone with a healing crystal?
Professor: There is one stupid question
Charles Barkley sounds like a made-up name a dog would think of to get into a fancy country club.
I’ve started replacing “yes” with “sure as Kilimanjaro rises like Olympus above the Serengeti.”
me: what are you going to be when you grow up?
5: beautiful.
boss: you’ve been late 3 times this week, u know what that means
me: it must be Wednesday
I hate people who use big words in tweets just to make themselves look perspicacious.
I get my dopamine the old fashioned way, by practicing my signature with your last name
Got excited to check out the new place called Juicy Ladies and was very disappointed it was just a juice bar.
I spotted a subtweet and also spotted a squirrel with a juice box…
I’ll let you guess which one had a greater impact on my life.
[when my crystal pendant starts glowing eerily] hold on, i’d better take this
Welcome to Sarcastic Club
Im sooo happy to see you all
Anyone know the 1st rule?
“Be less sarcastic?”
Ooo lets have this guy teach the class
if i pay $15 for a bottle of water at a concert or a sporting event, i better drown
My dog has been looking for a spot to shit since 1958.
😏😏😏
finally caved and watched tiger king. shit is bananas. the uncle killed the dad while the kid watched, then the kid ran away and hung out with a warthog and a meerkat for years? then he hallucinated his dad talking to him from the sky? weird
I just realized how long ago 2008 was, and I’ve decided I don’t like time any more
your poor choice of wiper speed is stressing me out
My new favourite thing is Italian mayors and regional presidents LOSING IT at people violating quarantine. Here’s an eng subtitled compilation. “I hear you wanna throw graduation parties. I’m gonna send the police over. With flamethrowers.” #Covid19 #coronavirus
8am: i’m so tired
10am: i’m so tired
1pm: i’m so tired
4pm: i’m so tired
8pm: i’m so tired
11pm: i’m so tired
2am: WHAT HAVEN’T I WATCHED ON NETFLIX, WHAT CAN I BUY ON AMAZON DOT COM, I AM GOING TO CHECK LINKEDIN FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER
*first time in a long time at the dentist*
Dentist: don’t worry this isn’t going to be as bad as you think.
Me:
Dentists: whoops never mind we have to take out all your teeth.
My wife says I’m a clueless idiot.
I didn’t even know I had a wife.
In college if I needed more time to finish a paper I’d send a word doc with just like, pages filled with weird text characters and when my professor opened it days later, I’d be like oh the file must’ve been corrupted and then send the finished paper. I must’ve done it 50 times?
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if the object it moved around was the vacuum.
The forest creatures begin stampeding.
You turn to me, clearly scared.
“We have no reason to fear the animals,” I reassure you.
You smile nervously. “Thank go—”
“Worry about whatever’s spooking them.”