Breaking Bad – Season 05 Episode 14 – Frame 640 of 2834
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“Then, the handsome prince sees her dead body laying there and has to kiss her.”
“Ummm, what?”
“Trust me, the kids will love it.”
I don’t understand how anyone could be a grave robber. How do you steal a six foot hole?
How do mathematicians plot their leg day workouts?
With quad-ratic equations.
I pry open the crab shell but instead of sweet crabmeat I find a tiny, bustling city filled with people who have my face. It tastes terrible
25 Relationship Red Flags You Shouldn’t Ignore:
1. Inexplicably, his house is full of flags.
2. This is serious, why so many?
3. You need to get that first one sorted
out before we move on.
Santa Claus: I bring presents to children around the world.
Easter Bunny: I bring children baskets of candy.
Tooth Fairy: I collect human teeth.
*others back away*
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
20s: I want to see the world!
40s: If I do all of my food shopping on Sunday I won’t have to go outside for a week.
Small blessings, like when the mirror fogs up and you can’t see yourself when you get out of the shower, naked.
I want to be rich enough where I’m not offended by the price of beef jerky.
I bet Santa has 3 lists now:
Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.
My dog is LIVID with me because I’ve just let another dog walk by our house and done nothing about it
Welcome to woodworking club, please make a seat.
Me: *falls down entire staircase*
(20 full seconds of silence)
Dad: …careful.
Sometimes I feel so bad about not being perfect but then I remember people who expect you to be perfect all the time are exhausting and then I scratch my armpits like a monkey.
I do the crane stance like in the Karate Kid movie each time I have to flush the toilet in a public restroom.
teaching my 1yo daughter to shout
“Mike Wazowski!” every time someone opens a closet door
Don’t underestimate me. I’ve got that covered.
My girl put concealer on and now I can’t find her.
Me: I’m super nervous about this.
Bungee Jump Operator: Don’t overthink it. Just do it.
Me: ok
*I punch him in the face and run like hell*
If that was me in the movie Taken, my dad would have missed the call and emailed me 3 days later asking if I have a job yet
[Dentist waiting room]
Me: [chanting] teeth, teeth-
Other patients: teeth, TEETH
Secretary: [pounding her clipboard] TEETH, TEETH, TEETH!
ME: hey I’m just in time to watch the meteor shower!
METEOR: um, how about a little privacy?
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is serendipity.
me: can you use it in a sentence.
judge: sure. gary googled the word serendipity.
My Sherpa girlfriend is too high-mountainance.
My Dad always used to say “Into each life some rain must fall.”
Lovely man, terrible roofer.
[flops on the ground like a fish whenever I have to make a decision]
Once a lap dog, always a lap dog
think of all the paper we are saving complaining online.