Dating is great to find the perfect partner for couples therapy
You Might Also Like
[texting friend]
me: my wife and I had an argument and she just started texting her mom, is that bad
friend: oh man
me: now she’s texting my mom
friend: OH MAN
“You gotta keep ’em separated!” -the dude from the Offspring whenever he’s doing laundry.
who did the taste test?
(during sex)
Don’t move! Don’t move! A pickle and the second of my two all-beef patties is stuck in your hair.
Hugging helps break the tension with strangers in elevators.
Even getting salmonella from cookie dough would not convince me that you can get salmonella from cookie dough
Traveling with kids is just paying to use bathrooms somewhere else
If a woman is in Lowe’s buying a plunger, she doesn’t want to be hit on. She’s dealing with enough shit already.
When I was a kid, we jumped fences, biked without helmets & drank out of public water fountains.
It was a dangerous time, full of microbes.
I forgot my therapist’s name so I just call him Dude
the wok is the most versatile of all the kitchen tools. i make everything in there. everything. plz test me. spaghetti? that’s waghetti now. tacos? u mean wok-o’s baby. u want some muffins, dude? flip that “m” upside-down my guy cuz we eat wuffins in this house
I spent a good portion of today sitting in a Snuggie watching Cops. Eventually, they told me to go home and put on pants.
MOM: [walks into daughter’s room, sees protest signs, history books, list of senators’ phone numbers on bed] Are you… politically active?
[Mugshot photographer]
Me: now lets do a silly one
why was 6 mad when 7 won her a stuffed elephant? because 7 1 1 4 9 2
I dinated blood today. I have typo blood.
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
When a child tells you that they have to go potty, you’re about five minutes from too late.
[Leaving office]
BOSS: I’m gonna work on my car this weekendME: Wow *shakes head* you really should consider getting a desk
You inspired me to sing. Never mind the dogs howling for me to stop.
If you can start the toilet paper roll without clawing it like a velociraptor then you’re a wizard.
Instead of smiling and nodding through a conversation, try clapping and nodding. People will stop talking to you.
Just walked past a neighbour washing his car and I didn’t say “You’ve missed a bit” or “You can do mine next!” and now I’m questioning whether I’m even still British.
I’m fairly certain that watching paint dry & waiting for a pot to boil take less time than anything a 3yo insists they will do without help.
cant sleep because i keep thinking about the time i went into my garage and saw a raccoon holding a pen correctly
[on deathbed]
“Tell my Wif… *cough*”
Yes? Tell her what?
“Tell my Wifi provider their broadband speeds were moderate at best”
[dies]
The worst thing about turning up at the ER drunk at 4am is explaining to the nurse that my 9 year old drove here.
Google search history:
-double chin reduction exercises
-double chin plastic surgery cost
-double fudge brownie recipe
Don’t act like you’ve never used a pair of binoculars to try to peer through another pair of binoculars.
I just saw a woman walk out of the pizza place with 8 large pizzas. Stay with me I’m gonna live stream my proposal..