Small blessings, like when the mirror fogs up and you can’t see yourself when you get out of the shower, naked.
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I can’t be a sellout. I have no idea what anyone wants.
[texting]
Her: We need to talk. (9:00 am)
Him: About? (9:01 am)
Him: What? (9:02 am)
Him: WHAT??? (9:03 am)
Her: Dinner tonight. (4:42 pm)
I saw a group of kids trying to put another kid into a dumpster. I had to step in, they couldn’t even lift him. We high-fived & laughed.
3: I hit you in the head with the shovel
me: um, no thank you
3: it’s ok. I’ll be gentle
Cartoons were better when people got anvils dropped on them and accidentally smoked dynamite like cigars.
the worst part of senior prom was definitely dropping my date and my grandfather’s ashes going EVERYWHERE
I’d be lost without the care instructions on these pants.
Wild-eyed guy passed me in the grocery store hissing “applesauce” but I can’t tell if he was looking for it or running away
I get there is a rental crisis and all but…nope.
I opened a pistachio once…
Worst 37 minutes of my life.
Just watched 3 people jogging outside and it has inspired me to get up and close the blinds.
[starbucks]
One tall iced latte please
“Ok, can I have a name?”
Well ok but it really should come from your parents
When you’re eating chips and dip there’s always the search for the “strong” chip to head into the dip to save the broken, weaker chips dying in the dip.
sugar daddy: I’m gonna spoil you
salt daddy: I’m gonna preserve you
I never know what to say now when someone asks what I want for xmas: the ability to sleep past 6am, Xanax, some cheese?
I deserve a reward for backing out of my driveway without hitting one blade of grass, a sprinkler head, or a small tree.
“It doesn’t matter what you look like on the outside”
ME: Oh thank god
“It’s who you are on the inside”
ME: Dang
“I heard you were responsible for like 30 million deaths. That’s crazy.” Jimmy Fallon interviewing Stalin
[awkwardly waving to another killer as we dump bodies in the same forest]
I’ll love you until the end of the egg timer.
Husband: wanna have a quickie?
Me: As opposed to what?
What I say: I’m on a diet. What my mom hears: please cook delicious food and buy chocolate.
ME: you have to go to college
SON: but why though?
ME: to be able get nice things *shows him my watch* you see this?
SON: yeah
ME: I stole this from my roommate freshman year
make sure you check your drugs for candy tonight
Columbus: SO THIS IS INDIA
Natives: actually it’s no-
C: HI INDIANS
N: no see, we are nowhere near-
C: INDIA IS FUN LETS EAT YOUR FOOD
*me talking to a couple* so who’s the 6 and who’s the 9?
[packing for holiday]
WIFE: U don’t have to only put suits in a suitcase
ME: [putting underwear in briefcase] I don’t make the rules Karen
SEA LION 1: “More like shark *weak* amirite?”
SEA LION 2: “Hahaha”
SHARK: “Hey guys, what ya watching?”
[Sea lions jump onto ceiling fan]
her: we’re engaged, Dad!
her dad: [to me] u didn’t ask me first
me: you’re not really my type
who called it an advertising campaign and not an adventure