Smile Twitter, Smile.
You Might Also Like
I’m just a girl
standing in front of a pizza
asking it to not have carbs.
when i mistake a brief silence during an argument with my wife as my turn to speak
When one door closes, I lock it.
I’m not chancing someone else getting in.
Yes, yes, his usual hard boiled egg cut, please.
I once made a mistake with plurals.
It was an amazing feet.
if you think the last 12 months dragged on, just think how your dog feels. he’s probably sick of having you home for the 7 years
Every room is a panic room if someone over 40 in there ate cheese in the last hour
what if everything that’s happened lately is just an elaborate ruse to put The Onion out of business
The irony of my 12-year-old son pointing out that there is a spot on his cutlery while he hasn’t showered in a week is delicious.
Why does this look like one of the ingredients is painkillers
*limbos under the caution tape
Me: you say your dog’s a boxer?
Friend: yeah
Me: [eyes narrow] how does he lace his gloves up?
I’m about to go on a 6 day trip with 130 teenagers, including a 21 hour bus trip in each direction. Send thoughts, prayers, Monster, and bourbon.
this girl I went to college with got super hot and married a rich guy and lives overseas and doesn’t work and does triathlons for fun BUT her fitness insta only has 200 followers and I have 8,000 on Twitter just by being lazy and depressed so, in your face Mandy who’s winning now
Like who are those little paper umbrellas trying to protect
When birds poop on my car, I eat a plate of scrambled eggs on my front porch just so they know what I’m capable of.
Daughter, who can clearly see me cleaning the toilet: “Mom do you like being a grownup?”
comic about CROWDSURFIN #hiveworks
Forgot to use a coupon my wife gave me so now I have to hide it like it’s a dead body.
I know we have a lot of problems but never forget that about 100 years ago we suddenly made most horses unemployed and someday soon they will have their revenge.
The room goes silent as I demurely sing the first lines of “On My Own.” I take a deep breath before clutching the hand of the person standing in the next urinal.
WORK FROM HOME TIPS:
Have a routine. Shower/dress like normal. Keep a dedicated workspace. Fill a briefcase with sausages & carry it at all times. Stick to usual work hours. NEVER let raccoons trick you into trusting them with the beefcase: they dont have your interests at heart
Salt and pepper shakers add an air of mystique to any bathroom
I want to be rich enough where I’m not offended by the price of beef jerky.
“And why did you join our gym?”
▫️to stay healthy
▫️a friend recommended it
☑️I’ve seen myself naked
wtf? Somehow in the past 9 months, someone has snuck in & shrunk my winter clothes
[sees annoying coworker at store]
Him: Hey, what’s new?
Me: [gets right up in his face] Stuart, EVERYTHING in here is new.
Breaking news:
I’ve been teaching my daughter to sneak candy into the theater, like any good parent would, but when she pulled a pack of deli ham out of her bag I realized I’ve created a monster
My wife asked me to name off all my sexual partners in order.
I should probably have stopped when I got to her name