Took me too long to realize my family’s support with regard to how many peanuts I could fit in my mouth was a ruse to get me to stop talking
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It’s summer. We’re young. Let’s sneak into someone else’s pool and skinnydip. If we get caught, we stab them and assume their identities.
4yo: Do you want to play pretend?
Me: I already am.
4yo: What pretend?
Me: Shh, you’re not here.
karate teacher: shatter that board
me: *holding it up to my face* your whole family died here and I watched
teacher: not like that
board: *crying* yeah not like that
Inuits have 50 words for snow. Brits have 50 things named pudding
Sadiq’s joke in today’s Time Out 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼
Yesterday our neighborhood hairdresser was arrested for selling drugs. I was her customer for 10 years. I had no idea she was a hairdresser.
Don’t fit in their boxes.
You’re not a cat.
Dear dogs, thank you for sleeping at night.
Dear cats, what the hell is your problem?
Every Law & Order episode should end with:
“Objection your honor, the prosecution’s face is way too symmetrical!”
Got some shoes from a drug dealer , I don’t know what he laced them with coz I’ve been tripping all day.
@funTweeters I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers
me texting friend: ooh what happened?!
friend: *sends elaborate voice note *
me to myself: guess I’ll never know
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me, on the couch, wondering if it’s safe to bite into my Hot Pocket
hey can i get an ETA on that this too shall pass?
Sitting down and tilting your head to the side will increase your chances of food intake by 82%.
– Dog Logic
Me: You’re getting so tall!
Child: I don’t really like that because it means I’m getting older and when you’re older you’re closer to dying.
Me: …Oh.
Child: Sorry, I won’t talk about that. It might scare you.
Me:
Child: Because you’re already so old and close to dying.
[noir detective voice] I knew she was a ghost the second she walked through my door
Me: “Would you like to go on a date?”
Her: “Yes”
Me: “Yeah, it’s cool, I was kind of kidding anyway.”
“Wait, what?!”
CHRIS: hey can I borrow a ten
KRISTEN: sure
CHRISTEN: thank you
KRIS: anytime
“What would be your main strength?”
Well, I can communicate with animals…
“Wow, impressive. Any weaknesses?”
They can’t understand me.
what my roast potatoes see when they’re in the oven
Got food poisoning and the restaurant offered me a voucher for a free meal. You know, because they didn’t get me the first time.
I don’t think people in real life will recognize me from my avi. Usually when they see me, I’m not wearing sunglasses or clothes.
“There, there,” I say, resting her head on my shoulder
Surgeon: Sir, we’re going to need that back if we want any hope for reattachment!
[overhears two people taking about how difficult it is to get into Harvard] *whispers to self* Hardvard
Me, trying to be quiet walking through the house this morning:
My knees and ankles: “Let me sing you the song of my people!”
Got up at 6:30am today. Did some yoga. Had a protein shake. Ran six miles. Started lying about everything.
My brother in law sent us adorable Valentines from our 14 month old niece who we have never met (They live in Canada)
Her litlte red handprints are the card are so sweet…except it also kinda looks like she bathed in the blood of her enemies and then sent us a warning
I know there’s this whole “Gen-Z vs Millennials” thing going on but I’m excited to see what my kids roll their eyes at when I get old.
Like I’m just imagining my daughter like “God, Mom, you still use menstrual cups? Just think your period into the cloud like everyone else.”
Canadians eat more mac & cheese than any other nation
We also rank first for quality of life
I’m not saying these things are related but ….these things are definitely related