[noir detective voice] I knew she was a ghost the second she walked through my door
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Him: i like a girl who’s not afraid to take charge
Me, a rhinoceros: nice
If you didn’t want me gazing in your bedroom window then you shouldn’t have put it at the same height as my ladder.
Sometimes all you need,
is 500 million dollars.
Text is the perfect way of saying I have some information I need to give you but I in no way shape or form want to hear your voice
You’re 11. RT @pepsi: A Pepsi party means _____. #LiveForNow
If I know one thing for sure it’s that nobody has ever looked back on their life and wished they’d eaten more celery.
Breathe in deeply, eat a rotisserie chicken, breathe out.
Every once in a while in a bag of peanut m&m’s you get that one roundboi that has no peanut and it’s just a thicc m&m and that’s the m&m i’d like to be if I were an m&m
4 can’t go to sleep tonight because she’s “too short to sleep” and I honestly don’t even know how to address this new level of sleep delay mastery.
Mirror mirror on the floor, who’s the worst at home decor?
Me in my 20s: I’m never gonna turn into my dad.
Me in my 30s: WHO LEFT ALL THE LIGHTS ON DO YOU THINK I’M MADE OF MONEY
Deviled eggs is what happens when the wrong person gets you pregnant…
I was at a craft fair yesterday and I overheard a man say to his wife in a tone that conveyed no less than 6 emotions, Please no more potholders.
Hey, I tried to parallel park into a spot and goosed it twice so I’m just gonna go home. Enjoy brunch though, I’ll catch you next week.
When Americans say Math instead of Maths I find it so damn exy
[1st bull ever in a china shop]:
I’m sorry for the mess. I hope you can just forget this ever happened.[Shop owner, who is an elephant]: Riiight…
I could never be a burglar because my OCD would always have me going straight to the kitchen to front face the labels on their cans.
wait I thought laser eye surgery meant I get laser eyes
robber: give me your wallet
me: do your thing patricia
girl im on a date with who’s profile said she enjoys karaoke but I read it as karate: what?
When I left for work this morning, the dog begged me to stay and the cat handed me my keys.
Cop: Lets go, boys, no meth in this house.
*zoom to fish tank*
Fish 1: *nods*
Fish 2: [taps on pirate ship] Resume cooking, Lenny.
*bubbles*
I like that all the Ikea instructions illustrations always assume I have a friend.
Nicholas Cage is the same character in every movie he makes, except Face off where he was John Travolta.
I’m writing a book about how to come up with imaginative titles called “How to come up with imaginative titles – a book’.
Embarrassed that our 8 year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks.
*accidentally points showerhead in wrong direction*
OH NO! MY SHOWER TRISCUITS!
ACTORS’ TIP: can’t afford headshots? run a red light and use the photo they mail you. as a bonus you can add “driving stunts” to your resume
The term minivan implies the existence of a more spacious yet less practical mega van
Excessive use of commas is a serious
crime which may result in a long sentence.
i’m almost fully convinced that the people who design jeans have never actually seen a human body