Do you know how fast you were going sir?
“15,000mph?”
Wha? No,like 65?
“Seems pretty slow wouldn’t you say?”
I guess so.
“Ok bye”
bye?
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My autocorrect changed “today’s meeting” to “today’s meltdown”.
Yes phone, that’s correct.
I’ll usually order the chicken sandwich. I like my food to be more cowardly than I am.
A girl phoned me the other day and said…”Come on over, there’s nobody home.” I went over. Nobody was home.
I told my DAD to embrace his mistakes. he cried. then he hugged My brother & me.
Here are 5 things you should know about me:
1. I’m very secretive
just saw a tiktok of someone saying they’re “never buying garlic again” after they discovered “this hack” and literally planted garlic in their backyard a grew more. brother do u think u just discovered agriculture???
My neighbor Randy saw his shadow today so it looks like we’ll be experiencing six more weeks of drunken front yard kung fu
Just convinced my Mom she won’t get Wolf of Wall Street if she doesn’t see Teen Wolf first. Please play along.
*chasing after a rooster* give me your cool hat
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “hey, that one over there is shaped like an alcoholic”.
If you haven’t been to the Grand Canyon, I highly recommend it. It’s just gorges
@Mister_Gravity @OwensDamien @funTweeters Sssshhhhh, they haven’t noticed thus far, don’t screw it up for everyone…
I’m closing my pizza parlor. The Board of Health revoked my slicense.
My kids made a mess this morning pretending to be leprechauns. They don’t know it yet, but after school they get to pretend to be janitors.
This going into the office stuff blows. Like, I seriously have to wear clothes now.
you don’t need therapy you just need to sit in the woods w/ your feet in a stream a dog by your side 1 million dollars in your pocket & a song in your heart
2015: This is our son, Aiden.
2016: This is our son, Lemonaiden.
[drunk w/ 2 kittens at a bar]
give me another
“haven’t u had enough?”
i’ll tell u when i’ve had enough!
*bartender hands me another kitten*
Eating a takeout salad alone in your car can feel depressing, but not if you fully commit to the backstory that you’re a detective on a stakeout.
Friend: compliment her eyelashes, girls like that
[later]
Me: you have nice eyeball hair
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: [wearing my wife’s wedding dress] laundry
With sufficient velocity, any object can be an effective weapon. Unfortunately this kitten is not cooperating.
Starting to think that having kids just to get some help around the house was a bad idea.
I don’t care what Bruce Lee said, entering a dragon is just poor advice.
Being a girl under 5’4 is tough. Imagine pulling up your shirt at a party and screaming WOOOOO! and nobody notices and you have to go get a stepstool.
Some of you act like your mom never went out of town and left you with a babysitter, but the babysitter died and you had to get a job as a fashion designer and become caretaker to your 4 siblings, all while you fell in love with the delivery guy from Clown Dog… and it shows.
[date]
HER: Do you like Star Wars?
ME: Of course
HER: Which character do you identify with?
ME: *leans in close* The complete void of space
Freeze tag in the pool ended badly.
*gently pushes Spider-Man out the door with a magazine*
what if mayonnaise was like peanut butter and either creamy or crunchy