Doctor: You have bronchitis
Me: OMG I’ve always wanted a dinosaur!What do I feed it?
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Me: *Puts on skis* I’ve not done this before! *Nervously pulls on ski goggles*
Driving instructor: Please get out of my bed
I got so shit-faced the other night and when I got home I was starving so I shoved something in the microwave but then I couldn’t warm it up because I couldn’t remember my pin number.
When we first dated I thought your freckles were dots of inexcusable cuteness. Now I can see how joined up they draw a pentagram.
nurse: are you allergic to any medicine?
me: laughter
nurse: hahaha. OH MY GOD-
me [face swelling up]: i thold thou.
When I die, don’t burn or bury me. Instead, skip my stiff body across a still lake like a smooth flat stone.
What about “BusinessMyspace”? Nah, it’s taken. Okay, what about “LinkedIn”?
I chose trial by fire, witch wasn’t my best idea.
I guess somewhere around the age of 12 it became my turn to go on the computer, and it still is. my turn just didn’t end. more than a decade later I’m still here, on the computer
If I answer my phone and you ask for me by my full name, there’s a 100% chance we’re about to be disconnected.
when my period ends and i’m done with all the overly emotional outbursts
Given the memory span of a goldfish…
ME: i’d like a Big Bacon Classic, Chili Cheese Fries, and Coke
CASHIER: sir, this is a Wendy’s
ME:
CASHIER: sorry it’s just a reflex, we get a lot of weirdos here
applebees is a word that starts off pretty tame but takes a dangerous twist
Me: Hi, mom. I’m feeling tremendous guilt.
Mom: Why?
Me: Just thought I’d save you the effort.
You don’t see many dog librarians. Probably because of the barking.
I’m guessing Scientology would have a lot more followers if they would’ve just come out and said they were pimps right from the start.
I impose tariffs on my children by taking a bite of each Poptart before I hand it to them, and let me tell you, the markets don’t like it
A no carb diet can make you detached, remote and standoffish so occasionally you should eat aloof of bread.
I’ve been drinking.
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Bought a new exercise program
Instructions said to stop if I felt any discomfort
So I did
I see Netflix changed The Punisher’s origin to have his family killed by the government instead of him getting bit by a radioactive punish.
I think it’s safe to say that I’ve earned my gray thumb. My rock garden is blooming like crazy.
*christopre walken givig tour of apt* this is my.. walken closet. and these boots. these boots were made.. *long unecesary pause* for walken
My dad asked Alexa to turn on the lights and she started singing “Old MacDonald” instead
This makes the third woman in the house who won’t listen to him
Architects should try and design a house with no yelling
Wife: We hid 60 chocolate eggs right?
Me: Yes. I already “found” 5 though.
Don’t know how anybody can hate on lazy people, we didn’t even do anything.
“Is this a date? This feels like a date” -blind guy at a farmers market
I really would love to see two mimes arguing