A girl phoned me the other day and said…”Come on over, there’s nobody home.” I went over. Nobody was home.
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How long do you have to stop eating a meal before calling it leftovers?
*security rushes to the department store fitting room to break up a fight but just finds me trying to squeeze into a pair of jeans.
detective: [examining dead body] do we know who he is
me: yeah we got his name from his coffee cup
detective: what was it
me: starbucks
Wife: Can I have one of your french fries?
Me: No, I don’t have that many.
My dog: Can I have one?
Me: OMG yes. Here, take them all.
A shark can sense a drop of blood from 3 miles away, and a mom can sense you’re not getting enough to eat from 10,000.
happy valentine’s day to me
Im an adult and still don’t play by the rules *pretends to take long drag from chocolate cigarette*
I don’t trust any company that has a commercial with happy employees in it.
HER: Why is your safe full of pasta?
ME: A penne saved is a penne earned.
No Kevin, a carburetor is not someone who ate a lot of carbs.
Amazon is approved for drone delivery…
Which means we now have skeet shooting with prizes.
I got some aluminum free deodorant and baybeeee lemme tell you… I NEED all the aluminum
Parents w/ 1st kid: *Peels grape & slices it into 84 tiny pieces.
Parents w/ 4th kid: *Gives kid knife & fork to cut their own steak.
[dog park]
Dog: omg I just found out I’m adopted
Other Dogs: [barking in shock]
This woodpecker needs to switch to decaf.
Editor’s note: sorry about ‘snowboard’ typo, should be ‘snowboarder’ found dead
Just found out my parents have had a life insurance policy on me since I was 6mo old with them as the beneficiaries. I’m 44 now. I see they’re playing the long game…
My coworkers refused to believe I made the delicious Potluck lunch dish I brought and they kept claiming my wife did. In keeping with this toxic workplace atmosphere of distrust, I’m not telling them it was store bought.
Friend: hey man what happened to your hand?
Me: just a little boo boo.
Friend: so I see. Is that a paw patrol band-aid?
Me: you know damn well it’s a paw patrol band-aid Steve.
me: *tries to schedule car maintenance online*
website: we need you to call for that
me: *calls*
phone message: we’re busy, use the website
me: screams into the void
the void: please use the website
I’m tired, you’re tired, we should probably sleep together.
Doctor: Open your mouth (inserts tongue depressor)
Me: Mmm, this tastes good.
Dr: You should have tasted it when the Popcicle was on it!
Do you think Dracula ever forgets his coffin is shut and sits up and hits his head?
People are all “Sure, I’ll help you move” until they see my prized collection of cement blocks from around the world.
Her: Stop being so territorial.
Me: *peeing a circle around her* I have no idea what you mean.
To make space in prisons, judges are now sentencing low-risk offenders to pick up a few things at IKEA during the week before college starts
Receiving multiple letters of complaint from the deer in my area. Apparently the deer whistles I put on my car were the sexist kind. I had no idea.
[prison hospital]
PRIEST: Would you like to ask for forgiveness for anything?
CHARLES MANSON: Not that I can think of
PRIEST: …
CHARLES MANSON: …
PRIEST: Do you want a hint?
Hate it when I go to the store for a loaf of bread and come back home $100 later.
I only took my daughter to work with me once when she was little.
She cried cos she was expecting to see all the clowns I said I worked with.