I personally endorse our president going to war with North Korea. Not our military of course, just the president.
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I always keep a shotgun under my bed in case a horse sneaks in and breaks his leg
* Dentist is singing along to a Maroon 5 song as he’s drilling in my mouth.
Me: (holds up finger to pause)
Can you turn that up?Dentist: The music?
Me: No. The drill.
Dentist:
If you watch Scooby-Doo backwards its about some kids helping a business owner enter a costume contest then minding their own business.
Couples costume idea: both people dress up as Robin then spend the whole night arguing over who was supposed to be Batman
Them: I don’t like you.
Me:
congratulations to them
I write vampire jokes but they never see the light of day.
“Are you sure you want to close 58 tabs?” no I’m not sure what if I need this tracking information for a package that was delivered last week
*picking up coins off the dance floor*
I knew I should have emptied my fanny pack before twerking.
(1st day in heaven)
Angel: STOP ASKING EVERYBODY WHAT THEY DIED OF
When I’m bored nobody texts me but as soon as I get busy as hell… BAM… still nobody texts me.
I bet the first guy who threw shit into a fan never knew what an incredible legacy he would leave.
If you’re looking for an experimental couple, we’re trying a new chicken recipe tonight, hit us up.
*tornado warning*
*sirens blaring outside*
*every phone in the house beeping emergency alerts*Me, frantic: EVERYONE GET INTO THE BATHTUB!
Son: I’m one of 3 left in this Fortnite game, hang on.
[dinner negotiations]
Wife: where do you want to go to eat?
Me: ugh
Wife:
Me: you pick
Wife: I’m craving kale
Me: I’ll pick
I accidentally ate the sticker on an apple. The scan code is inside me and there’s now a beep every time I check out at the grocery store.
Anyone who has to spend more than 2 mins at an ATM is obvilously sending a text to Optimus Prime
me: let’s get some gorilla glue
horse: oh thank god
Crazy how women have the stereotype of being chatty when 90% of dudes have 45 minute podcasts that no one listens to…
*Breakfast*
-Do u want the buffet?-No, I’ll order off the menu
-The buffet has more options
-That’s ok. I know what I want
-The buffet?
-No.
-Look, I don’t feel like bringing u food.
Hey, your parents conceived you the same year my parents conceived me, let us be friends! High school is stupid.
I wore a jumpsuit to work because the rage I feel every time I have to pee is a good motivator.
You can buy a birthday cake every day if you want to. They don’t even check ID.
A dog made of diamonds would be everyone’s best friend.
[First Date]
Me: “I’m sorry. It’s just that I’ve been burned before.”
*Stuffs handful of fries through visor in hazmat suit
*Closes visor
me: hey it smells like upmanyoudontneedcouplescounselling in here
therapist: what’s upmanyoudontneedcouplescounselling?
me: haha right on, cya guys
wife: wha-
therapist: omfg he’s so smooth why would you ever wanna leave him?
If you have more than 4 kids I automatically refer to you as a hoarder.
Sex is great but have you ever told some dude that there wasn’t enough room for the two of you on a very large floating door after your ship sank to the bottom of the ocean on it’s maiden voyage?
Storming out is far less effective when your innate politeness forced you to hold the door open for the person behind you.
Juliet: Wherefore art thou, Romeo-
Romeo: Cool fact: wherefore means why
Juliet: Well-
Romeo: So you’re asking why I am
Juliet:
Romeo [hand on her shoulder]: it’s because my dad banged my mom