*puts on workout clothes*
*opens a jumbo size bag of Doritos*
You Might Also Like
I didn’t ask to be the “bad boy” of professional tennis. Probably why it never happened.
I needed to get a shipment of
almonds to the airport quickly.It was so weird to call Uber and
ask if they could drive me nuts.
Financial independence now means getting your kids to eat most of their meals at the neighbors house
Trying to watch what I eat again so I just ate an entire loaf of bread with half a jar of Nutella I’d say that’s a good start
Drunk at 20: “I’m going to call my ex.”
Drunk at 30: “I’m going to tweet my MP.”
I was helping my son with his homework and I told him that the language attorneys use with all that legal jargon was called ‘Courtugese’ and now I have another meeting with his teacher.
We all talk about the early bird getting the worm but what if I’m a worm and sleeping in could save my life
It takes a big man to admit when he’s got a problem, but it takes an even bigger man to help me bring all these beers in from the car.
Please keep my heartbroken toddler in your thoughts because I vacuumed up some crumbs from the floor that he was apparently very attached to.
when my dog had kidney failure the vet said he had weeks to live, so we fed him kfc, food from the table, everything he wanted, damn dog lived for another 3 years before getting ran over by a van
Wife: Are…are you training a beaver in karate?
Me: Well, actually it’s not a beav-
Wife: I don’t care what it is, just get rid of it!
Me: [whispering] It’s okay Woodchuck Norris. Don’t let her dash your dreams.
[Arriving at party]
Host: Why are you wearing only a nappy?
Me: I was told “infancy dress”.
Host: I said “in fancy dress,” you moron!
“Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” – crickets (translated)
Your outfit says you work in an office, but your shoes say it might have a pole in it
Started to watch Indiana Jones and the Dial of Destiny and I saw the warning that it contains tobacco depictions so I threw my TV in the street. Not in this household.
Relationships: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job.
Wife: I swear, it’s like you never even listen to me!!!
Me: Sounds great, Dear.
*putting dead animal heads on the walls*
People will like this!
High school: rough age for some
High fiber: roughage for others
I like telling people to “grow up” because even if they hate me I can visit them ten years later and say “Took my advice I see”
I wasn’t entirely comfortable slaughtering that goat under the light of a full moon but grandma’s gravy recipe was very specific.
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
When the going gets stupid, the stupid, stupid harder.
Unfortunately I’ve determined that sucking up is part of human nature because it works and yes my boss DID look very nice today…
student: now what?
driver’s ed teacher: make a u turn
stndent: ok
Marriage vows are all about “In sickness and in health” but I didn’t know it was ok for my wife to out-jog me by 2 city blocks on our run while she left me behind to catch my breath and eat ice cream alone.
if I ever have a daughter I’m gonna name her Erica but spell it Airwrecka
“DOC TELL ME STRAIGHT”
doc: u got lou gherrigs disease
*cops barge in* ur under arrest
“FOR WHAT”
cop: mr gherrig reported a missing disease
*coworker drinks coffee I made them*
Me: I poisoned your coffee…
Coworker: WHAT?
Me:…with love!
Coworker: oh haha
me: The love for murder