My kids just watched this video where two You Tubers stopped playing piano to fight each other with knives.
Me: Wow, you two really like comedy
Son: Who doesn’t like comedy?
Daughter: Who doesn’t like knives?
You Might Also Like
I like to hide condom wrappers in my married friends pockets.
If you love someone just tell them. Or get drunk and text them 75 times, that’s practically the same thing.
[dating site message]
So is that blank silhouette in your profile a recent blank silhouette?
Inkling sounds like a baby octopus
My cousin Clevis is afraid of nudists. He’s the only person I know who bought a T-shirt cannon for self-defense.
It’s because it’s Bring Your Daughter To Work Day, sweetie. That’s why. What Papa is doing right now is called an “autopsy”. Stop crying.
I also bought this ice cream today, partially because I wanted ice cream and partially because it made me laugh.
I may appear calm on the outside…
…but pigeons are attacking a french fry in my head.
The only thing I miss about eating meat is the enticing stickers on the packages. I want an avocado labeled “choice cut” or some prime tofu.
Every day, I hope I don’t get bitten by a spider. I’m not afraid of spiders, I just don’t want the responsibility of being a superhero.
Why do my kids want to be in the bathroom with me? I don’t even want to be in the bathroom with me.
“Lord, can I have a pony?” Sure. Just as soon as I get a prayer from a pony asking for a little girl with no clue how to take care of it.
My dog is doing her silly “I Just Made A Giant Poop” happy dance. I’m happy for her but also like, super jealous.
(God Creating Vegetables)
GOD: What if we made fruit gross?
Friends don’t take videos of friends playing drunk Twister in positions that only gynecologists should ever see.
When they ask if you got a minute and then you sit and watch the typing bubbles for 15 min.
*sips from glass of water that’s been sitting out for a while*
ugh, it tastes like the house
Inventor of the Number 1 Pencil: Surely you will be the most popular pencil!
*turns on broadcast TV*
Wow, I’m actually watching TV as it airs. Who even does that anymore?
*sees Activia ad*
*sees Metamucil ad*
*sees Cialis ad*
I think I have the answer.
Unlike in Westworld, “freeze all motor functions” does not stop my 3yo from trying to wash my phone in the toilet.
This is now a ‘I have washed my hands’ emoji 🙌
Google photos: hey, here’s a picture from 10 years ago
Me: looks down and realizes I’m wearing the same shirt today
“What’s that?”
A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in and I’m a little bit closer to freedom.
*puts in dollar* “WTH!?!”
*makes New Year’s resolution to drink more water*
*starts adding ice to my wine*
[man walks into a bar]
Horse bartender: Why the short face? SEE? SEE? IT’S NOT COOL!
One cake enters. No cake leaves.
Why doesn’t Popeye’s serve spinach?
My kids will insist on wearing the same grungy PJs for 6 days in a row, but they’ll put a t-shirt in the dirty hamper just because it fell off the hanger
ME: *takes wife’s hand* you know I’ve wanted to have children for 3 years
WIFE: And I’ve told you *removes hand and sits back* we have to keep them forever
Life hack:
Do all the dishes after your kids go to bed so you can have clean silverware for the first 47 minutes of the next day.