5yo: if superman & batman had a big fight, superman could throw him into space where he’d suffocate’. I’m raising a problem solver you guys.
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Her: Has anyone ever told you that you’re a narcissist?
Me: Many times. What can I say? Nobody’s perfect.
Except for me, obviously.
Lisa never talks about her younger brother, Lava Lampanelli.
Just this preview of the story is enough
Turns out my parenting style is more “Disney villain” and less “Disney princess.”
Weekend #HayaoMiyazaki
If they worked, nobody would own more than one self-help book.
There’s an age where being drunk becomes pathetic but if you hang in there somewhere around 70 it becomes cool again.
-“I hear the Israeli PM isn’t too worried about that latest hack because..”
-“Please don’t”
-“…Benjamin’s Not on Yahoo”
-“I’m leaving you”
dentist (who has studied mouths for years and has my mouth on display with perfect lighting, and is asking this question because she knows i haven’t been flossing): have you been flossing
me (slyly): yes
Can u imagine getting married and having a family and staying in love until u die, then waiting in the afterlife for your wife to join you and she finally dies and ditches u for a dude she knew for three days on a boat instead?? Anyway I’d give Titanic a 9/10
If you are interested in me, now is the time to shoot your shot. My standards are incredibly low.
I can’t think of a single email that have ever found me well.
When one door closes, I lock it.
I’m not chancing someone else getting in.
Thank you for inviting me. Where are the unattended meat trays?
date: can you ask the waiter if he has chicken legs
me: *quietly* no, it’s probably just the way he walks
t-shirt: Lay flat to dry
me: I can’t do laundry lying down
Psychic: People say I’m not a real psychic
Therapist: And how does that make you—
Psychic: shower?
Therapist: No
Psychic: potato?
Therapist: No
Psychic: vomit?
Therapist: I think I see the problem
When you’re stupid, you trust your child with an alarm clock
[planning a heist]
Robber 1: this will be the biggest hoist of all time
Robber 2: wait are you saying hoist or heist?
Robber 1: hoist
Robber 2: …
Robber 1: it’s just how I pronounce it
Robber 2: so you know this is a heist
Robber 1: DUDE MY NAME IS ROBBER 1 I KNOW WHAT WE DO
I love Chinese food as much as the next guy, but you’ll never convince me a chicken fried this rice.
My ex left because I “lack imagination”.
“Yeah? Well you lack imagination!”, I shouted after her.
me: 11 can you come here
11: am i in trouble?
me: …no…but…should you be?
11: no.
me: sus.
Sending in my taxes
“Baby, I’m in the bedroom waiting for you”
Now I got your attention, let me show you a proper way to make the bed.
[grocery store seized by terrorists]
“Not today”, I say, tearing the label from a tube of Poppin’ Fresh Dough and rolling it down the aisle
*gets taste of own medicine*
Yep this is my medicine
I was dismissed from my responsibilities as church usher because I kept using finger guns to point out available seats.
* pew pew *
“That’s how kids get money. Loose teeth and chores.” -6yo niece schooling 4 on the way the world works
When texting a girl “will you marry me” what’s the best emoji to use?