when my dog had kidney failure the vet said he had weeks to live, so we fed him kfc, food from the table, everything he wanted, damn dog lived for another 3 years before getting ran over by a van
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“I need help doing a resume.”
“What software do you want to use?”
“I hoped you’d tell me.”
“And where will you be applying?”
“I was gonna ask you.”
“And what’s your experience?”
“Whatever you think.”
“If you get the job will I be the one showing up? Because I’m busy weekdays.”
*first day as an accountant*
me: so where are the ants?
Jon Hamm, 50: Looks like a million bucks
Me, 45: Looks like a million hams
“Funerals are for the living”? Dude you’re doing it wrong
My husband got *me* a fitness game for the Nintendo for Christmas.
I was like “what are you trying to say?”
Now the kids are at level 130 and wearing themselves out daily while out of my hair.
Turns out he’s a great gift giver.
My debit card number got stolen and someone used it to buy $362 of liquor, which got approved, but the purchase they tried to make for designer clothes was denied and I’m offended. Sure I buy my clothes at Costco but that doesn’t mean I never will buy designer clothes!
[typing]
Me: Is it DISCREET or DISCRETE?
Wife: 2nd.
Me: Is “polyamorous” hyphenated?
Wife: No. Why?
Me: It’s for work. When’s your flight?
How’s my day going?
If I was Daffy Duck I would of lost my beak already.
I’m worried that I encouraged my kids to marry someone for their character and intellect and now I’m gonna end up with nerd grandkids.
New year new me, I say as I get a new me out of deep freeze and bury the old me in the woods
When it comes to eating sandwiches, I am the anticrust.
No, please continue to talk loudly on the phone, smoke & spit next to my table. No problem! I’m just going to follow you home and kill you.
My dad teaching me to drive
Last weekend at a friend’s house I shouted “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
My neighbor won’t understand why I hide in my car until she has kids.
Stop screaming. Lots of people rub their eyes with toes.
It’s all fun and games until your Uber driver pulls up and he’s driving a hearse.
I haven’t said a single truthful thing on here since I became the King of Sweden.
It’s official… My voice is incapable of making, “Thanks. I appreciate that” not sound sarcastic.
Cannibal Subway:
Eat Flesh.
Be the reason someone prefers the company of animals.
If your wife asks “Why are you like that?” It’s a compliment, right?
What’s wrong with university websites, a short play:
*opens university homepage*
*types in search box: “calendar”, “academic calendar”, “JUST SHOW ME THE PAGE WITH THE ACADEMIC CALENDAR ON IT”*
*gives up*
*googles name of university + “academic calendar”*
*clicks hit #1*
~fin~
Just a phase…
TOUCH NOT MY PONDERING CRYSTAL
Who wants to pump my gas? This is not sexual.
My upstairs neighbor/friend passed away last week. We’d exchange hilarious barbs with every encounter.
His daughter just came to the door.Her: “My Dad really loved you. He left you this to help you with transportation, Ms. Caramel.”
It was a broom! 😂🤣
When I’m mad at my husband, I ask him to help me find my phone and then put it in my pocket on silent.
If someone lends you their audio book, try not to lose it. You’ll never hear the end of it.
“If you love something, set it free…”
Unless it’s a man…
Cause he’ll get lost…
And you know he won’t ask for directions…