My upstairs neighbor/friend passed away last week. We’d exchange hilarious barbs with every encounter.
His daughter just came to the door.Her: “My Dad really loved you. He left you this to help you with transportation, Ms. Caramel.”
It was a broom! 😂🤣
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first day in the secret service. all the guys hazed me into kissing the president
Do you ever really know if your bagpipe is in tune?
You guys, this guy on Dateline says I shouldn’t make friends with people on the internet because they might not be who they say they are. Is this true?
TEACHER: can anybody tell me the answer to this problem
ME: *raising hand confidently* no
Just realized the girl I flipped off in the parking lot is in my next class.. This could be awkward.
What do you call a food fight with an unlimited amount of food?
All you can yeet.
Piss me off in the grocery store and I’ll get in front of you in the checkout line and pay for a single tomato with a personal check.
You can tell a lot about a person by eavesdropping in on their conversations in the bathroom.
Just accidentally deleted all my contacts. Best day ever.
Never forget that your fave celebs are trying to sell you cartoon monkey pictures during a pandemic.
financial advisor: what are your retirement goals?
me:
Enjoy your 30s cause in your 40s your check knees light comes on
Orange: Knock knock
Apple: Who’s there?
O: Orange
A: Orange who?
O: Orange you glad I didn’t say Banana?
A: Yes! That guy is the WORST!
Work in retail. If we say it’s not out the back, it’s not. But you pricks insist so we say fine and take a free break. Once I was hungover so took a cheeky nap, came out 15mins later pretending I’d looked EVERYWHERE. She was so grateful I tried, told my manager I was fantastic.
“I need to get laid man!”
– eggs (in the chicken)
me: I have a problem.
her: whatever it is, its OUR problem.
me: ok then WE just killed the neighbor.
I accidentally bought organic milk instead of regular and now my family is so broke we are forced to live in a shack and make clothes out of recycled hair.
The same people that made fun of me for my calculator watch in high school are now wearing Apple watches.
I knew my 5yo was growing up too fast when he tried to take his shoes off and said “I don’t like bending down anymore”
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but those single unmatched socks that have been on top of your dryer for years have a better chance of finding a mate than you do.
[Cops break down door]
Gang Leader: How did you find us?Cop: One of you left prints all over the scene.
Me: *Licking Cheeto dust off fingers* My bad.
You can’t outrun your problems…
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Manicotti implies the existence of Pedicotti.
I just sneezed and even my dog looked worried.
I can usually tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs.
When you’re born, they don’t tell you about challenges you’ll face or friends you’ll make. You’re a baby for chrissakes; it’d be stupid.
Disappointed a milkshake is just called a milkshake in the UK. I would’ve guessed it was something real perverted like a curd sweetie or lovie cream
The best revenge is a life lived well or cyanide in their coffee.
If covid had hit in 2007, there would be 1000 tweets a day saying “Covid has to isolate after being exposed to Chuck Norris.”
If you want my body and you think I’m sexy, please stop buying your prescription glasses at Walmart.