[typing]
Me: Is it DISCREET or DISCRETE?
Wife: 2nd.
Me: Is “polyamorous” hyphenated?
Wife: No. Why?
Me: It’s for work. When’s your flight?
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Nobody:
Mime:
Mute person:
Fight club member:
Parrot:
Torturer who just boldly claimed he had ways of making people talk: oh no
He-man has a Masters degree
Hear me out….
A pub crawl, but to bakeries.
THERAPIST: your problem is, that youre perfect, and everyone is jealous of your good posts, and that makes you rightfully upset.
ME: I agree
Me: if I had to review it, the beginning was boring, none of it was believable. I didn’t care about the main characters but we got cake so one star
Bride: did you at least enjoy being maid of honor
Them: There’s more to you than meets the eye, isn’t there?
Me: Absolutely not.
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
[Attractive stylist washing out my hair after cutting it]
Stylist: How’s the water temperature?
[Water so hot it’s scalding my scalp]
Me: It’s fine
Shampoo, conditioner, and body wash are the condiments of showering and we are the hot dogs and hamburgers.
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
My kid not only replaced the toilet paper roll but put it on facing the right way, my parenting book is out this fall.
Do pretentious people know they’re pretentious? A question I would pose to the great Sigmund Freud, had he not died in London in 1939.
I bought silk pyjamas to go with our new silk sheets. I jumped into bed and woke up in my neighbour’s flower bed
“Do you want to be the numerator or the denominator tonight…? You’re so radical!” How I hit on my imaginary mathematician girlfriend
Cakes!
– the sequel to the cake I had earlier.
inside you there are two wolves. one snores like “honk shoo honk shoo honk shoo.” the other one snores like “hooooonk mi mi mi”
Catholic mass is just Catholic force divided by Catholic acceleration
4 thinks the lead singer of Queen was Freddie Macaroni and he won’t be taking any further questions on this
as a non-catholic, i gotta say, christmas mass is a WILD ROLLER COASTER RIDE, sometimes the priest sing-talks in a muppet voice, sometimes everyone kneels except you, they do the secret club criss cross applesauce thing, a SURPRISE BELL rings sometimes, twists and turns abound
“When do we learn how to breathe underwater?” My kid, overestimating his swimming lessons.
It’s getting close to resolution time so I’m stockpiling now
My 6yo told me that I couldn’t go past him into the living room unless I told him the secret code which he said was a bathroom word. So I said “a bathroom word” and he didn’t let me in.
My gal pal: “Are you on a diet? You look so nice & thin… What’s you’re secret?!”
Me: “Poverty.”
When someone asks how I feel, I always answer “Squishy and like I’ve done something wrong”
Anytime I’m using a stall in a public restroom and someone knocks on the door, I always say, “Did you bring the lube?” As loud as possible.
*twirls fork through hair*
So, is it is really murder if you stab them when they stand between you and your cake?
і wіsh you could doordash people knuckle sandwіches
my ancestors, who hunted and foraged for whatever food they could get, watching me have anxiety when I’m reading a menu:
Girl math is buying 3L of wine because you’ll need to deglaze one pan.
It’s normal to have conflicting feelings on Columbus Day. True, he discovered the Greatest Nation on Earth, but he also supported Obamacare.