Cop: you get one phone call
me: [dials 911] help
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Watch out for scammers…if you see my profile pic or name asking for money and nudes, that’s not me. I’d only ask for nudes and recipes
me at 15: i can’t wait to go to college and PARTY!!
me at 20: ok so listen. there’s a new grocery store and GET THIS. i got a mango for 56 cents
Maybe Jesus doesn’t want lettuce to adore Him.
[I open my lunchbox to find a copy of the Magna Carta]
But that means…
[cut to British Library patrons thoughtfully examining a Capri Sun]
Apparently, “in California” wasn’t the right answer to my boss asking where I see myself in five years
So let me get this straight: Trump supporters are butt hurt because someone overgeneralized them and called them a mean name? Oh, the irony.
detective: can you describe the crime scene?
me: which one i seen lots of crimes.
I’m thinking of a color between 1 and 10. Correct guessers get a lollipop.
Avocados were 5 for $2 so anyway that’s how I ended up paying $2 to eat one avocado
I’d rather drop a baby than my iPhone…. I mean I can make another baby, but I have no clue how to make an iPhone.
No. I would not like it if my dog knew how to talk, I taught my daughter to talk now all she does is make fun of me
I’m spirituality evolved, but I also want to slap people.
Ladies,
When someone asks why you’re single, tell them you’re overqualified.
Dr: well i have good news and bad news
Me: give me the bad news
Dr: you have cancer
Me: what’s the good news
Dr: i don’t
I wonder if black ants and red ants have beef. I never see them chilling together. Ever.
My kids decided to move a piece of furniture to a random spot, I wonder how much it will cost to fix whatever they’re covering up
Diamonds aren’t a girl’s best friend.
Perfectly regulated office temperatures are a girl’s best friend.
Me: (slightly intoxicated ) I don’t think our cat understands me at all.
16: Mom, put the guinea pig back in his cage please. You’re scaring him.
*stuffing my face with donuts* what does the cop banging on my windshield screaming “give me back my donuts” want from me?
*Looks up from phone.
“When did you get home?”Husband: “I’ve been talking to you for the last 15 minutes.”
If pizza places cold called people’s homes and asked if they wanted to order a pizza, I guarantee you their business would triple.
[hitchhikes]
[arrives safely and not murdered]This is bullshit.
I discovered my knee feels better if I take stairs at an angle. But now every time I walk down I have to sing Puttin’ on the Ritz.
[Millennial Antiques Roadshow]
Appraiser: The beige color & stretched coils indicate this was the cord to a…landline phone.
*crowd gasps
[grocery store]
DAD: [wearing a ski mask]
SON: this is so embarrassing
MOM: hush- your father gets nervous when we have to buy toilet paper
Me :
All Day At Night
[Ouija board in Starbucks]
“Speak to me spirits”
O M G H A V E U S E E N W H A T K R I S T Y I S W E A R I N G
G R O S S
[texting my friend]
me: sorry I missed your party yesterday
friend: it’s today actually
me: read this again tomorrow then
I want a pet otter just so I can introduce it as my otter half.