We must preserve our bookstores. There are so few places you can go to slide sideways on a ladder
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God: so you shoot them with the arrows
Cupid: yes
God: and then they fall in love
Cupid: right
God: with other compatible people
Cupid: uh well-
God: who will love them back
Cupid:
God:
Cupid: sure
My dog must think that the mailman just can’t take a hint
I bet the worst part about being a birthday cake is when you’re set on fire, and then eaten by the hero that saved you.
The Breakfast Club: (1985) (1hr 37 mins) Not a single breakfast is had. Barely a club. Misleading. 1/10
[Star Trek: The Next Generation)
Picard: Why are they firing at us?
Troi [an empath]: I sense hostility.
Finally, somewhere I can take my Croissant Bernard.
Receptionist: Psychiatric Unit, can I help you?
Me: Yes, I’d like to make a reservation…
caller: listen carefully–we have a hidden camera in your hotel room. you need to…
me: pay you money? smuggle drugs???
caller: cover it up. and would a little cardio kill you?
Don’t ask me to kill a spider for you & then criticize my methods. Yes, I had to use a samurai sword, & no, I’m not sorry about your table.
It still works 🤷🏼♀️
[hotel]
me: do you offer turndown service
concierge: sorry no
me: thank you
I only make my food from the natural ingredients, like uranium and asbestos
We were behind on mowing the lawn, which was already driving my husband nuts, but then the neighbor called to see if we’d like to borrow his lawn mower because clearly ours must be broken and now my husband says we have to move
I think my new neighbors are creeps. They seem to be looking into my window every time I’m looking out my window to see what they are doing.
ok guys the gofundme I set up to hire a hitman to kill me is already at 3x its goal you can stop contributing
GET LOST THIS DUMPSTER ONLY SLEEPS ONE
is it thunder or is someone rolling out their garbage cans to the curb
My boyfriend is being so nice to me since I showed him how easy it was to remove blood from carpeting…
Sex at my age is like cooking spaghetti noodles;
At first, it doesn’t seem like much, but any more, and you’re in over your head.
People keep mistaking my “wow”s for compliments.
You know what celebrity they should get for Dancing With the Stars? That plastic bag from American Beauty.
My kids each place a toy on the checkout counter and hand the cashier a few plastic gold coins from home. The cashier smiles, I give a wink. She gets on the speaker: “Security, register 4.” They are cuffed & arrested for using counterfeit money. Time to learn about consequences.
Me : Here, I made you a ‘Best Hits of 2017’ CD.
Wife : This is an unopened blank CD-R.
Me : Correct.
There are 3 types of guys in this world
● 1) Handsome
● 2) Lucky
● 3) Me
Don’t post your New Year’s resolutions to social media. Two months from now, when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Cheetos, you don’t need anyone asking you how marathon training is going.
The opposite of a vegan is a Texan
Facebook post: Sad news. Mom passed away this morning.
Facebook: Be the first person to like this.
texting with my sister in law fighting for my life to keep up with her exclamation points
I don’t get the uproar over guns made with 3D printers. I mean how would anyone get a potential victim to put those glasses on anyway?