Watch out for scammers…if you see my profile pic or name asking for money and nudes, that’s not me. I’d only ask for nudes and recipes
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Yes. these are prescription Oreos.
Going to put a sensor in the kitchen sink so whenever someone puts something in there a recording of my voice will shout DISHWASHER!
MR. PEANUT: so you expect me to help sell members of my own kind to be eaten by humans?
BOSS: yeah. you get to wear a top hat and a monocle tho
MR. PEANUT: throw in some gloves and a cane and you’ve got yourself a deal
Cats be like “I know a spot” and proceed to take a nap on the important papers you are working on to meet a deadline.
him: *on one knee*
me: you disrespectful piece of–
Would you rather have a normal childhood or a sense of humor?
Tarantulas make great pets because when they die, rather than grieving you’ll feel an almost overwhelming sense of relief
me: is there anything i can say to stop you from leaving
wife: no
me: no
Statistics show that the average person has sex 89 times a year….looks like I’m in for a flipping wild December
1. Rage against the machine.
2. Check to make sure machine is plugged in.
3. Apologize to the toaster for the misunderstanding.
4 YO: Mom, Can you help me open this?
Me: Yeah, in a minute
4 YO: Ok. Alexa, set a one minute timer
A dog or a baby can only survive about 6 seconds in a closed car with the air conditioner off in July; an annoying fly, 2 weeks.
ME: *robbing bank* More like, I’m BANKing on you not tripping the alarm! Haha!
TELLER: Haha!
COPS: *tackling me from behind* Haha!
When you say, “save me some nachos” and I say, “okay” think Rose at the end of Titanic saying “I’ll never let go”..as she lets go.
[18 years after texting a guy “I’m pregnant”]
Him: hey I just saw your text
[any medication commercial]
good news, we have something that will likely make things worse for you
You might remember me from such productions as Skirt Tucked Into Pantyhose, or, Oh! You Weren’t Waving at Me.
I sent a coworker a 15 page document as 15 one page PDF files rather than one 15 page PDF file.
Passive-aggressive level achieved: Expert
We need to invent a rectangular fruit now that the banana is no longer an accurate representation of the phone-shape. Lotta my bits don’t make sense anymore.
Just thought of way to discourage teenage smoking. Instead of saying “Cancer” on boxes replace it with the word “Acne”.
“WHY ARE YOU RIPPING OUT ALL OF YOUR FUR?!!”
-my dog, when I wax
Hell hath no fury like a kid watching his friend sporting the same toy he broke a while ago
Technology is moving so fast. My toaster just sprinted across the kitchen.
I’m helping my daughter write valentines to her class and children’s names these days are completely out of hand.
I always feel bad for seedless watermelon because what if they wanted to have babies.
-Houston, do you copy?
-Houston, do you copy?
-God damn it, Houston!
-God damn it, Houston!
We’re all controlled by the bots and algorithms. Except you, your thoughts and opinions are completely original. 🙂
me: help! that guy stole my identity!
also me: no i didn’t
[interrogation]
Where were you last night?
“Out killing people”
Louder for the tape
[leans in]
“The Cheesecake Factory, that’s where I was”
I was trying to create a wonderful family experience strawberry picking, but there just isn’t enough wine for me to deal with my kids thinking it was funny to smear red strawberries on the back of my white pants.