This going into the office stuff blows. Like, I seriously have to wear clothes now.
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My love for my kids is like my data plan:
Technically unlimited, but it might get dialed back behind the scenes if they really push it.
9: What did that message on the TV say
Me: It said, the film has been modified to fit our screen
9: How do they know what size TV we have?
Many people told me I would benefit exposing myself to art.
Have never been roasted to the level as I have been today after asking my department full of tall Tinas if we had a step stool for the file room. They’re trying to find a booster seat on Facebook marketplace for my desk chair. It’s over. I’ll never recover from this.
I feel it
[being taken hostage]
*tearing up* it’s so nice to have someone take an interest
I was once bitten by a bear because I stuck my hand in a bear cage, in case you want to know what kind of decisions I have the potential to make.
Doctor: I want you to take it easy on your joints from now on.
Me: ok
(later at home)
Me, talking to my blunt: I’m sorry I called you fat.
What if aliens have already visited our planet, and made contact with the most intelligent species, and it’s just not us?
You say “my ex is stuck under the back end of your vehicle” like its a bad thing.
Me: I hate how someone keeps putting advertising flyers on my windshield and forcing me to throw them away.
Friend: Flyers for what?
Me: Some club called VIOLATION.
Me: hey boy, wanna go back to my place and *hand jerking motion*
Him: oh yeah
[my place]
Me: *slams cup down on the table* YAHTZEE!!!
Pet names convey familiarity and endearment. For example, honey pot, baby cakes, Succubus.
[toddlers, ordering in a restaurant] “garçon! your freshest fish crackers, for the lady, and for me – the sauce of one apple.”
I’m terrified to death of someone stealing my identity and improving my credit
I thanked my husband for favoriting one of my tweets and he said: ‘Ya that was an accident.’
[driving test]
me: did I pass?driving instructor, on Zoom: I literally have no idea, this isn’t legal
There can be a guy with neck tattoos and a knife in his hand on the bus and I will still be the last person anyone sits next to.
I feel it is only fair for a recipe to indicate up front how many burners it requires. For example a 3 burner recipe would be a no.
Left the kids alone in a room with some styrofoam. One just yelled “it’s snowing” and the other started singing jingle bells. What have I done
Why did the chemist’s pants keep falling down?
Because he had no acetol
At my age getting lucky means having the house to myself
eggs benadryl
I was so stupid whenever I was young. I’m much older now though
I don’t know, man. Climbing Mt Everest looks super boring and dumb. You just walk uphill and are cold. No thanks.
Me: It’s late. I guess I’ll go to bed.
-My brain, who up until now has always been the logical one “Let’s put up a tent in the living room”
Just told my dog to say goodnight to his brother, the houseplant
DOOO EEEET
Take your age, multiply it by 3, divide that number by 3. That’s how old you are.
Why are ghosts always just moaning? Did your manners die too? Use your words!