9: What did that message on the TV say
Me: It said, the film has been modified to fit our screen
9: How do they know what size TV we have?
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On a scale of 1 to ‘Maxi pad with wings’
How self-absorbed are you?
I got 99 problems and they’re all friend requests from people I didn’t like in high school.
The cardboard crowds are getting a little Rowdy at the game.
If Reese’s eggs are buy one get one free, there are 0 calories associated with the free one. Live free my friends.
OK doomscrolling is bad but have you SEEN the quality of the doom this week?
you: *finger guns*
me: *collapses*
you: *thinking im dead, lowers your finger guns*
me: *quickly rolls on my side, points my finger guns at you*
you: *freezes*
me: *unbuttons my shirt to reveal a finger-proof vest*
you: *starts to raise your finger guns
me: *finger guns*
Comedians shouldn’t joke about serious issues. They achieved perfection with slipping on banana peels and there was no need to innovate beyond that
I normally don’t brag when I go to expensive places, but I just left the gas station..
Johnny Depp always looks like he is just as confused by his “accent”
Theft insurance for my iPhone? Nope. I bought a protector that makes it look like a little book. Nobody steals little books.
Pre-diction: Baby’s first words will be garbled.
Sub the word ‘hostage’ for the word ‘parent’ at your child’s next activity to spice up the conversations with all the other hostages.
Waiter: And what would the lady like?
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Date: Gigi, he means you.
Me: *blushing* Oh, wow. He called me a lady.
Good morning, especially if they tried to make go to rehab and you said no, no, no.
i started vaping to fit in with my friends, who are mostly steam whistles
“can you explain this gap in your resume?” oh, yeah, that’s when i was trapped inside of a supernatural jungle-based board game
What idiot called it a pharmacy and not a “coughy shop”
How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
Me: I’d like the French dip
Waiter: Au jus?
Me: No, Catholic
*At work, pulls 2 dryer sheets out of my uniform pants leg*
Adds magician to resume
Don’t ever be sad on a Saturday. Wait till Monday and cry on company time. Don’t let capitalism win!
[on a plane]
Stewardess: “Would you like a mint? It’ll help your ears during takeoff”
Me: “Sure, can I have two?”
*puts one in each ear*
[boss closing his door] I’m glad you enjoyed your trip down south but [the beads in my braids clack together as I turn] but what
Breaking news:
Homophobia is stupid. Who the hell is afraid of homes.
Inflation pfft, the worst part of going shopping is all the stupid people in the store.
Keys just don’t make me laugh as much as they did when I was a baby.
Women who say giving birth is the worst pain imaginable, obviously never waited for a toddler to put on their own shoes.
I’ll bet even homeless people look at funeral homes and think, “Nope. I’d rather stay out here.”
I’m jealous of how many friends the people on Intervention have.