Mario: YAHOO!! *throws banana peel at another cart, eats a mushroom*
Me: This. This is why I don’t take you grocery shopping.
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[french restaurant]
me: do you serve frogs?waiter: no they can’t reach the table
Dinosaurs prolly have ghosts too, what if there’s a diplodocus just standing where your house is right now, bored as shit
Uber is going to choose a new CEO in 4 minutes. Now 5 minutes. Shit now it’s 11 minutes away, why is it going in the opposite direction
I think my wife’s angry with me but it’s hard to tell coz she’s pretty blurry and one of us is slurring a lot
I shouldn’t repeat idle gossip from the neighbors but I just heard arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf
People say sausage dogs are impractical but how many golden retrievers can run a fresh toilet roll under the cubicle door?
“You may now kiss the bride”
Wow this is the happiest day of-
*dad flies by in hot air ballon*
QUEEERR
*throws football at my head*
[lightning strike super close to our house]
5-year-old: Missed me.
midwife: “congratulations keith, you have a baby boy, he’s exactly 7 pounds”
me: [looks at my wife as i pat my pockets] “i didn’t bring any money”
I’m sorry, I refuse to call it Xmas, I’m going to keep calling it Twittermas like before.
Son: Smell me. Do you think I should shower?
Me: Yes.
Son: But you didn’t smell me.
Me: Yes.
Dr: You’ve gained some weight
Me: You said I should take it easy
Dr: That was a yr ago & you were sick
Me: WELL I’M NOT A MIND READER
NOOO NOT THE DUOLINGO BIRD ON THE GRILL!!!!
The real heroes are my neighbours in a 5km radius during my quarantine bagpipe practice
Me: I wouldn’t miss it for the world.
Friend: It was yesterday.
Got dragged to a Sarah McLachlan concert…came home with 7 dogs, 3 cats and a ferret.
Take it easy, Officer. You act like you’ve never seen a woman with a car full of penguins before.
If the question is how many toothbrushes can my 2yo fit in his mouth at the same time before I catch him. The answer is 4.
Me: I hate how someone keeps putting advertising flyers on my windshield and forcing me to throw them away.
Friend: Flyers for what?
Me: Some club called VIOLATION.
Me: OK now i need fresh fruit
Grocery app: Here’s melon flavored candy.
Me: No fresh fruit
Grocery app: Got it. Fruit snacks.
Open for business, 24/7
~my stomach
Tom Cruise does all of his own stunts because death is the only way out of the Church of Scientology.
She said she liked animals but apparently all the fruit flies around my apartment was a “turn off”
[emptying spam]
ME: Why do I have so much canned meat?
Nose
Old Black men vs. Technology is the most heated rivalry in human history.
My 4yo may have misunderstood the fire safety information, but that hasn’t dampened his enthusiasm and now he’s walking round shouting “Stop Rock and Roll” like some 1980s puritanical parent.
12 was not amused when I made the comment of how good ‘we’ did on candy tonight
Me: i have one pretty serious symptom
WebMD: that you know of
My three kids are roughly the same age as Kate Middleton’s so I can say pretty confidently that she is hiding in the bathroom pretending to pee for a really long time.