really hoping a cop doesnt wander into my room and sees me googling “how to do a hit and run 2021” out of context
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[alien wobbles out of spacecraft]
“Take me to your leader”
[30 minutes later]
Me: So, this is my wife…
The pilgrims ate so much at the first Thanksgiving that they had to unbuckle their hats.
*me, flirting*
Me: Hello.
Her: Nice to meet you.
Me: You don’t even really know that.
Her: It’s an expression.
Me: It’s rather presumptuous.
Her: You know what, I’m sorry I met you.
Me: See what I mean?
Friend: My baby turned 3 today. He’s growing up so fast!
Me: He’s actually growing up at an equal speed to every other human being on the planet.(why I’m not invited to birthday parties anymore.)
ATTRACTIVE WOMAN: What time is it?
ME: Haha. Yeah definitely
Losing your phone is the adult version of having your balloon fly away.
I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
Sorry I photobombed your mammogram.
Breaking: New torture report reveals CIA use of Facebook Year In Review videos.
my allergies were acting up so i took allergy medicine. now i’m sleepy and my allergies are acting up.
If you let an idiot convince you that he’s the smartest man in the world…
Maybe he’s not the only idiot.
If my kids ask, bears are attracted to the sound of fighting children.
So society’s *real* key workers have just been revealed.
Not the bankers. Not the traders. Not the elite hedge fund managers.
It’s the nurses. The doctors. The delivery drivers. The carers. The porters. The teachers. The shelf stackers. The check out staff.
#COVID19
Probably a bad sign that I now watch “The Handmaid’s Tale” to unwind from the news
word gets around the prison that i’ve been digging a tunnel. one night they follow me down and find me in my ball pit. they don’t seem to understand freedom
When I’m eating shared nachos I’m always thinking 3 nacho moves ahead of my opponent.
“Is there a Mrs. Prime?” — EVERY GIRL TRANSFORMER EVER, I MEAN LOOK AT HIM
If you own a karate dojo and you don’t make your employees answer the phone “Hiiiiiiiiya”
You’re doing it wrong
I hate when you lose all that progress you made at the gym by going 6-7 years between workouts.
10 y/o daughter, pointing to the moles on her arm: “I kind of have a lot, oh wait, this one is just chocolate.”
are they though??
even if u realy hate sombody, u shoud never insult their physical apearance!!! bc as soon as u dig deeper u will find much stronger insults
My husband started exercising and now I have to start exercising out of spite.
“so i was reading an article the other day” is code for “i saw this tiktok while i was sitting on the toilet”
Just once I would like to hear an athlete thank God for their talent and their pharmacist for everything God left out.
I just realized my slack status for the last hour has said “hot dog” because I was searching for the hot dog emoji so I could note that I was at lunch but I just typed “hot dog” as my status and then it just gave me that lil 💬 guy as the emoji. Everyone’s slackin me “hot dog”
This weekend I lost an hour to daylight saving time and another hour stuck behind a person at the ATM who was apparently transferring funds to a Swiss bank account, refinancing their mortgage, and making 12 withdraws from 12 different accounts.
[being rescued from a deserted island]
me: oh thank god…I haven’t bathed in weeks
them: again…this is just day 2 of a 5 day cruise
My mother was, let’s just say, not perfect. She’d routinely leave my little sister and I in the van for hours while she gambled. And even though we were patched-in to the casino security cameras and feeding her info through an earpiece, she still managed to blow hand after hand.
Rose petals? Next time scatter something I can eat.