Eating a takeout salad alone in your car can feel depressing, but not if you fully commit to the backstory that you’re a detective on a stakeout.
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*Viewing apartments
Estate agent: I know it’s not particularly big but…
Me: Not big?! The only way I’m living here is if it comes with a letter from Hogwarts
No, sweetie. You can’t see the moon with vernaculars.
Walked into the donut shop in my ski mask and the cashier started to empty the register into a bag, I had to stop her and tell her I just wanted all the donuts.
*yells from space*
Did you kill that spider?!
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
Just wrote “58008” on my calculator app and when I turned it upside-down, it auto-orientated back to the right way up.
I hate the future.
my dodgeball record is now up to 65-0 against my 5 and 6 year old.
I bet dogs have a really hard time playing Twister
Left paw: grey
Other left paw: darker grey, but not the darkest grey. Sort of in between
Reasons why it’s bad that Justin Bieber is retiring:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
Cop scrolling through photos on my phone: we’ve had complaints that you’re stalking…wait…these are all of me!
A date sounds nice but you’ll need to bring a friend for my parole officer.
My “Savings Account” is just several pairs of unwashed jeans on the floor that may or may not still have change in the pockets.
THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO???? WHAT DO YOU MEAN THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO?????
Sure, sex is great but have you ever had to pee really bad and managed to reach the washroom just in the nick of time?
Whole ‘nother level!
I just got off the phone with God. He’s pretty bummed out. Poor guy has a huge crush on an atheist, but she doesn’t even know he exists.
Who called it a licence to own small amphibians and not Permit the Frog.
I’m a vegetarian except for chicken, beef, pork, and fish products.
i wanna see the masterchef jr deleted scenes that HAVE to exist of gordon ramsay calling a kid the c-word for trying to julienne a snickers
Make a dating service for introverts and call it Mumble
Forgot your password?
Hint: your cat’s name~ a crazy cat lady’s worst nightmare
I can walk up to any dog, rub its butt and make a friend. That trick only works about half the time on people.
#DidYouKnow?
As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said, “son you know one card would have been enough” . 😂🤣
I talk a lot of shit for someone who often searches for their phone when I’m watching something on it.
Your boss will respect you more if you sometimes disagree, especially if you touch their face and say “You silly goose.”
*road trip*
husband, day 1: absolutely no eating in the car
husband, day 4: *handing brisket to the kids in the backseat*
I may be angry on the outside, but inside me beats a heart of stone…
Invisible Obama be like “Uhh. Let me be clear”
Mistakes can only be made by people who do something.
The squirrels on campus are getting bold. I was eating a pop tart outside and a squirrel came over and stole my credit card information
Mugger: give me everything you got
Spice Girls: Oh tell me what you want what you really really want
Mugger: ok nevermind