I was at a craft fair yesterday and I overheard a man say to his wife in a tone that conveyed no less than 6 emotions, Please no more potholders.
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governor said not to attend any gatherings w/ more than 10 people so I guess I’m still on for the smashmouth concert
It’s probably really hard for them to carry their backpacks.
“Anybody got any change?”
My body tenses as I whisper to my little zippered coin purse, “It’s go time.”
Trash truck: [emptying my garbage bins]
Me [running out of house with 2020 under my arms]: HOLD ON A MINUTE
If anyone is stuck for a gift for me I’m a size 8 nights in Bora Bora
Untangling Christmas lights is the closest my wife and I have ever gotten to S&M.
Scavenger Hunt Party
Give your guests a list of all the things you can’t find and set them loose in your home.
Husband: What should we do today?
Me: It’s up to you.
Husband: Beach?
Me: No.
Husband: Movie?
Me: No.
Husband: Museum?
Me: No.
Husband: Then what do you want to do?
Me: I don’t care. You choose.
11 famous chickens who flew the coop, number 7 will surprise you
– cluckbait
I was just shushed.
*sharpening knife*
My boss got bit by a snake so I bandaged his wound so tight just to make sure the venom won’t drain out.
Sometimes at the gym I’ll struggle and make all kinds of awkward grunting sounds, but eventually I’ll get my shorts on.
If she hides her money in her bra, that’s called a treasure chest.
Is there a Twitter acronym for “Ur screenshot tweet is really funny, but my anxiety about ur phone battery % prevents me from enjoying it”?
Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.
“I can’t wait to get inside you,” I flirtatiously whisper to a coffin.
Whoever named He-Man was doing the very least
*At the bar
Me)May I sit here?
Her)I have a boyfriend
Me)That’s ok, I’m 50. I just want to sit down
Say goodbye to unsightly carpet stains by strategically repositioning your furniture.
Let’s find out what pisses the crickets off and do THAT during the day
If you think you’re having a bad day, the lady who took my order in the drive-thru asked me if my order was to go.
I’m no political expert, but as far as I can tell the Republican strategy seems to be:
“oh you think BUSH was terrible?”
8 yr old: mommy, why are you laying on the floor?
Me: I just did 438 sit ups.
8: sounds legit.
I’ve taught her well.
Date: Do you want to go upstairs?
Me: Sure.
Date: Do you have any protection?
Me: Who’s up there?
God: you hate the moon.
Wolf: why?
God: he stole your girlfriend.
Wolf: I have a girlfriend?
God: not anymore.
Wolf: because the moon-
God: -stole her yes.
Wolf: I hate the moon.
God: I know.
Wolf: I just miss her so much.
God: let it out.
Wolf: [takes a deep breath]
A true Columbus Day sale in a mattress store would mean all the merchandise is infested with smallpox
I’m taking my niece and nephew to the corn maze today. If I can’t lose them there, I’ll try the mall again.
My phone changed Careless Whisper into Casserole Whopper and now I’m on the phone with the CEO of Burger King
I couldn’t remember the word tumbleweed
My friend’s wife just went live on Facebook to discuss “astrology and the election” in case you’re wondering why I avoid my friends