I was at a craft fair yesterday and I overheard a man say to his wife in a tone that conveyed no less than 6 emotions, Please no more potholders.
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I’m gonna start giving bad news to people in that cute, high pitched voice I use to talk to kids and dogs.
Praying for someone else’s sins is the ultimate “I’d like to speak to the manager”
Doctor: You need a new liver and we found a match.
Me: When can you operate?
*lighting a candle*
Doctor: When we find you a new liver.
Had a big lunch at Taco Bell. Off to the woods to prove a point.
coworker: i had honey on my toast this morning
me, likes to one-up: i ate a bowl of bees for breakfast
I get it, credit cards – I’ve reached my limit too.
Friend: I got an audition for the play that cannot be named
Me: *Nodding* Fight Club
Ever listened to 90s R&B lyrics?
Sex you up?
Licky boom-boom down?
No wonder none of us know what the hell were doing in relationships
Kid: Dad, where do babies come from?
Me: Um…
Kid:
Me: You mix baby oil with baby powder. Stir in baby peas. Then you-
Kid: I’m asking mom.
Me: ᵒʰ ᵗʰᵃⁿᵏ ᵍᵒᵈ
HER: Boxers or briefs?
ME: Depends
HER: Really? But you look so young.
she wears short skirts
I eat pizza
she’s cheer captain
and I’m still eating pizza
*shoving a bunch of random food containers and lids into my cabinet without organizing or stacking them in any way, quickly closing the door before they can topple* I probably won’t regret this later
INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Feed a cold.
2) Starve a fever.
3) Make fever watch cold eat.
4) Tell cold he’s a good boy.
5) Look at fever with disdain.
worm: *tells a joke*
early bird: lol
Whenever my wife gets smug about winning an argument I like to remind her that up until a year ago she thought narwhals were mythological creatures.
i liked her. i wifed her. 🤎
I’ll play duck-duck-goose and give all gooses. I don’t give a duck.
I live in Texas. If I buy four bags of ice I have approximately 3/4 of a cup of ice when I get home.
Tom’s of Maine is a really good deodorant to buy if you don’t mind spending a little extra to smell like you don’t use deodorant.
Listen here weather report, don’t tell me 1” hail.
You tell me Oreo size hail so I can understand.
I’ve got just over 13 hours to lose 35 pounds and finish a novel
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in three words.”
Me: “Efficient.”
i’m not surprised they turned on steve bannon… everyone always resents the hottest person in the group of friends
My weight? That’s on a need to know basis and I don’t need to know!
Dammit my husband found my candy stash in the bag of riced cauliflower in the freezer. He’s good.
[At astronomy convention]
For the last time, Bob. No one wants to see Uranus.
A shocking amount of parenthood is knowing which kid you’ll need to keep out of jail.
wife: did you pee on the seat
me: maybe a little
bus driver: ok both of you off now
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i love health insurance
writers love saying things like “he had a toothy grin” what is a toothy grin. just making shit up. “he walked feetily into the kitchen” that’s how you sound