*At the bar
Me)May I sit here?
Her)I have a boyfriend
Me)That’s ok, I’m 50. I just want to sit down
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I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
the most unrealistic thing about stranger things is how max was the only character who was advised to seek psychological help
My smart friend just told a story about Scott and Zelda Fitzgerald and I nodded the whole time, thinking to myself “Yes, I recognize both of those names.”
I have this burning sensation right down here,
doc.
Let’s take a look.
Oh. Never mind. My flash light app was on.
I’ll date any guy that can digest a seagull faster than me.
Oh you want to roll up next to me with your bass thumping some gangsta rap so my whole car shakes?
That’s cool, hold on. Two can play this game.
*Turns up Baby Shark to max volume*
It would be cool if a jar of Nutella had more than one serving in it…
You never feel as old as when you’re scrolling down to find your birth year
Potatoes make french fries, chips, and vodka. It’s like the other vegetables aren’t even trying.
“Excuse the mess; we had guests,” I graciously explain, leaving out the “five months ago” part.
Wearing the same outfit two days in a row ’cause I’m practicing to be a cartoon
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
[shark tank]
Me: have u ever wanted to eat the luggage tag on ur bag after a flight
Mark cuban: no
Me: look no further
Me: Breakfast!
Son: YOU made it?
Me: Yup.
Son: What is it?
Me: An omelet.
Son: It’s…um… crunchy.
Me: NEXT TIME PICK UP YOUR LEGOS.
Finally got the kids to rub my back by pretending it was ticklish
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
I’m a people person. I live in a house home where I enjoy food meals and listening to music songs.
I would have got the Google Glass but I don’t have $1500 or any desire to strap the internet to my face.
Man: a pack of condoms please.
Cashier: would you like a paper bag?
Man: no thanks, she’s pretty good looking.
What does my tattoo mean? It means I couldn’t be trusted with $200 when I was 18
I cleaned out all my closets and now it looks like a flea market threw up in my dining room.
Of course size matters. No one likes a small pizza.
[pediatricians office]
8, after the flu vaccine: Daddy, now I can tell my whole class I got shot!
Me: Please don’t say it like that.
Has there been a movie made about giant killer candy corn yet? If not, I feel like there needs to be.
“You’ve reached 911”
Knock knock
“Sir ple-”
Knock knock
“This is not-”
Knock knock
“ok, who’s there?”
Ben
“Ben who”
Ben shot real bad
“NICE”
My childhood has prepared me for a lot more bear-related pic-a-nic-basket thefts than I’m currently experiencing.
I ate cereal for dinner because I do what I want. I’m an adult.
Oh did I say adult? I meant poor. It’s because I’m poor.
interviewer: why do you want this job?
me: i’m a job guy. love jobs
Taking my winter tires off but not putting my summer tires back on. I’m done with the tire bullshit.
I feel like a taco salad is the worst way to eat a taco, and yet, the best way to eat a salad.