8-year-old oversleeping in 1910: oh beans da boss at the poison factory is sure gonna be steamed at me
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*teenage girl breaks pencil*
“I CAN’T EVEN WRITE NOW!”
My husband watched me clean the entire house today, and then asked me if I had a relaxing day.
I get why the spouse is the first suspect.
One alternative to having kids is to hire two people to sit in your car and start a loud argument every time your favorite song comes on.
I accidentally swallowed a Christmas ornament and now I have tinselitis.
Me:
Remember when we didn’t have electronics in our face all the time? Sometimes I miss that.Also me:
My pizza delivery tracking won’t load?
I AM NOT MADE FOR THIS PRIMITIVE WAY OF LIFE.
Million-dollar idea:
Upload your podcast to YouTube, but with a video of a generic-looking Zoom meeting, so people can tune in and pretend they’re working. It looks like important quarterly sales stuff, but it’s really The True Crime Murder And Makeup Tips Hour.
I’m older than the internet. When I was a kid we didn’t Google things, we had to ask our parents and then carefully filter through the bullshitery
I can’t believe there’s a sex offender registry. Who’s buying gifts for these people?
Parents are like “i don’t want my teen having sex” and i get it. I had sex as a teen and now every full moon I turn into a giant sex
The journey of 1000 miles begins with a single step. They never tell you it’s downhill and you’ll be wearing slippers when it happens.
My cat acts pretty tough for someone who disappears for 3 days anytime I sneeze.
Therapist: We need to discuss why you think the moon is your enemy.
Me: He controls the tides, you know. That’s too much power.
Newscast in the background: “-unprecedented number of tsunamis this year-“
Me: He’s trying to silence me.
DOCTOR: I think you have a curvature of the upper spine
QUASIMODO: That a diagnosis?
D: We need an X-ray to confirm. Right now it’s a hunch
My son has come up with what he calls “skeleton kisses”, where he touches his teeth to your forehead or cheek when he kisses you so it feels like bones touching you.
Isn’t that precious?
No. He’s 20.
The chemical symbol for Seahorse is H₂Orse.
Daughter: Mom, it happened! He DMed me as soon as I followed him!
Mom: Oh honey!! I’ll call the florist and book the church for a fall wedding!!
Just had a drink at an airport Bubba Gump Shrimp Co and I’m appalled they don’t have a cocktail named Rum Forrest Rum.
Fun game: Order food to be delivered to your mobile home and then lead the delivery driver on a high-speed chase through town.
Yes, I have a fitness app. I use it to time how long it takes the pizza delivery guy to get here.
[rubs lamp]
[genie appears]
genie: you have three—
me: incredible! i can’t believe my luck!
genie: seconds
me: what
genie: two
me: until what
genie (pulling out a gun): one
ppl come over to ur house and are like “can i get myself a glass of water” and ur like “sure” and u look over and they’ve chosen literally the most random glass you’ve ever seen
betcha they beat the robot dinosaurs by transforming into an asteroid.
Day 218 of making fun of CrossFit.
Alexa, show me where it all went wrong.
Someone left a handful of random candy scattered on my doormat and I’m having the hardest time recalling whose van I got into recently…
You’ll never say “wrong hole” more often than when you’re trying to help a toddler put on gloves.
PROLOGUE: This novel is based on a true story
AMATEURLOGUE: This stuff is like for reals or something
Words I say when I sing along to Informer by Snow:
Informer
Scientist: we’re approaching a critical mass
Assistant: should we be wearing protection from the blast?
Mass: you look fat in that lab coat and no one likes you
Scientist: too late
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy